Eternal Dizzination

Dude, where's my seratonin?

2006-12-04T22:19:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wished that you were dead? Yeah me neither, but i have wished that I was a porn star... ok... ok, I am getting off topic here; I have not written a funny blog in quite a while, so i guess this is really my chance to shine again. All this sissy shit i have been writing is because I have been in a stage of manic depression lately. I don't necessarily feel down, I just have an overwhelming feeling of Dude, where's my seratonin? ie:

My Typical Night:

Chris goes home
Chris stops at the Walgreens
Chris get Chef Boyardee
Chris Eats Chef Boyardee
Chris is too lazy to change channel off C-Span because the remote is broken
Chris changes his political views
Chris is very knowledgable about Education Bill 10476-ACV in the U.S. House
All Work and No Play make Chris write dull blog.
Wake up
Work
Repeat

So I have decided to actually grace the world with a blog today instead of going through the doldrums of my weary annd virtually non-existant night life. I used to have sexy parties when Julia left me; until 4 in the morning (even on school nights), but my sexy party friends all got decent jobs and quit the retail. I drank a gallon of wine the other night by myself and laughed at Martin Lawrence (so you know I was pretty drunk at this Point). SIDENOTE: let me explain a Matin Lawrence stand-up routine for all the people that have never seen one. He makes fun of white doctors that helped him beat his drug and alchohol addiction and talks about being arrested nearly 1000 times and call weed things like "ooooohhh weeeee" or "Stanky Leafy" and that is his whole act. I was like (in a drunk voice) "EWWWWW WEEEEE? HAHAHAHA thash hilarioush."

I still beleive that my roomate Andrew sleeps with those headphones on that people wear to gun ranges. I have literally broken 7 plates and sang Chicago at the top of my lungs with four other people without waking up this man. I think he does downers. Obviously me and my friends do uppers or we would sing Chicago.

So anyways, I am a Ravioli Eating, C-Span Watching, Lazy-ass, manic depressive. Does it get any worse than that?... yes. What if the channel were stuck on the WB? So i need a sexy party to lift me up and i think I have just the thing. My work has an annual Christmas Party and I can't wait to go to it. The main reason i love going to work parties is because I am usually the LEAST debaucherous. Let me go through the list for you..... al funny Chris.... enjoy:

Mary C. - Totally awesome chick that watched all the same things as I did when i was a kid, so we quote Return to OZ, The Dark Crystal, and Labyrinth. She also is very prone to pull out a tit every now and again and I like that in a woman. The downside is that she drink to the point of becoming psychotic. She will punch people and cry hysterically for no reason. Go luck to guy that hooks up with her.

Nick J. - Nick is a very cool collected person when sober. For every beer you give this animal though he gets one decibel louder and one degree anger (do they still measure anger in degrees?) He is one of my favorite people to be around, but he likes to leave you when he is your ride. We call him Houdini, because the motherfucker just dissapears out of nowhere and leaves you to you own devices.

Mario Z. - Hilarious.... this guy has no faults. As a matter of fact I am gonna hook-up with him

Meghan L. - Totally fun party chick/receptionist at work. Totally "hangs out on the weekends" and is easy to get along with. When she is around my Spanish boss, Carlo, she clams up tighter than a nun's asshole. (See Work Sucks to discover Carlo)

Chris B. (See Fhris Fuscarini blog to explore this character)

Valentina - we all sneak looks at her ass while avoiding the eyesof Carlo (this is his hot Venezuelan wife)

Drew- My old Chief (class act) He gets shit for me. He's my bitch

Streets - A comedic and intellectual superior, and classic self loather........ Is that an oxymoron or what? Thinks he's punk.... psyche... he's punk, he just hates it when we say we think he is punk.

Mickey - has a butt chin

My date is Meghan's friend Stephanie. I am bringing her as a favor to Meghan. This girl has 3 fingers on one hand; we call her a Ninja Turtle.

Bret- Resident gay guy. He is a fun guy to be around. This year he is bringing a 7 foot tall Drag queen of Afro-American decent respectfully named Diamond. Bret is so gay that gay people can't stand to go out to eat with him for fear of not being invited back. Ruby Tuesdays will never forget that Bret hates onions. Never.

These are my colleagues. And these are the days of our lives. And this is a clock because no one uses an hourglass anymore unless they are playing pictionary.

I hope this party brings me ou tof my funk.

Life's funny ups and downs

2006-11-18T16:08:00.000-05:00

It always amazes me when I look back one week ago at how much has changed from one little event. It reminds me of the speech that Al Pacino gives in the movie "Any Given Sunday." Life's little ups and downs are what makes us "Us." Here is the speech in case you are no familiar with it:

"I don't know what to say really. Three minutesto the biggest battle of our professional livesall comes down to today. Either we heal as a team or we are going to crumble. Inch by inch,play by play till we're finished. We are in hell right now, gentlemen, believe me, and we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of hell. One inch, at a time. Now I can't do it for you. I'm too old. I look around and I see these young faces and I think...I mean I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make. I uh....I pissed away all my money believe it or not. I chased off anyone who has ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know when you get old in life, things get taken from you. That's, that's part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out that life is just a game of inches. So is football. Because in either game of life or football, the margin for error is so small.

I mean one half step too late or to early you don't quite make it. One half second too slow or too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They are in ever break of the game every minute, every second. On this team, we fight for that inch On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us to pieces for that inch. We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch. Cause we know when we add up all those inches that's going to make the fucking difference between WINNING and LOSING;between LIVING and DYING!

I'll tell you this: in any fight, it is the guy who is willing to die who is going to win that inch. And I know if I am going to have any life anymore,it is because I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch;because that is what LIVING is. The six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You gotta look at the guy next to you. Look into his eyes. Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. You are going to see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you are gonna do the same thing for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either we heal now, as a team,or we will die as individuals. That's football guys. That's all it is. Now, whattaya gonna do?"

This is one of the most motivating speeches for a solid team that I have ever heard. i think it puts into perspective the way that life will change in front of your eyes by just changing your attitude. Your mind is an incredible and powerful machine. Some people's minds can change, control, manipulate, or even destroy the world. The only difference between greatness and infamy is the way you use it; the way you react to certain situations. My life changed a bit this week as i had my 11,907th epiphany of the year.... I am an asshole sometimes too.... People talk shit about me too..... what do you know?

Human beings carry scars with them for a lifetime... emotional or physical, it doesn't matter. The only way to prevent giving scars is by abstaining from picking up the whip. Face it, there will always be those people that you feel superior to out there. There are also people that you feel inferior to. Every soul on this earth has the power to cahnge the world: rich or poor, great or small. Every thing that you do has a consequence to something or someone else.

I have been guilty of saying things that are not in my nature to say; things that i am embarrassed of saying even. I can't take them back, but I can certainly say "I'm sorry" or learn from the mistakes I have made. Have you ever said something so cruel to someone that it hurt your feelings? I believe we all have.

Think about the things you say before you say them it could save someone's life, or change their world. I have trouble with this myself. I am working on it. I was just thinking today of the things I have said that were unnecessary. The scars I have caused others that I can't take back are the scars I will have until the day I die. Think before you speak.

Da Housewarming event

2006-11-10T17:52:00.000-05:00

Okay... at the request of some of my canvassers and friends and family, I have decided to blog again after a long detox that I have gone through called.... MYSPACE? This stuff is worse than cocaine people.... it really gets you and leaves your orifices sore in the morning. I've realized that myspace is not such a bad thing if used in the right way. I will (while blogging) refer to myspace from now on as "it" because it pains me to be wrong. I have actually reconnected with several old high school friends through "it". So I would like to take a moment to apologize for all the horrible things I said about "it".... such as: myspace is sleeping with Jeremy.... it just wasn't true.

Who am I to judge what a whore is? I try to sleep with anything that i come into contact with. That makes me a whore I guess. So I will try to pass judgement upon people a little less than before.

A brief explanation of the past couple of months in my life include:

1) A housewarming party at Michelle and Bryan's beautiful new home (hilarity ensues)
2) Isaac's Halloween party (Hilarity ensues)
3) Grand Central (hilarity ensues)

I will give you a blog medley of all three of these. Hopefully i am descriptive enough to make you beleive you were actually there.

and........ begin

Michelle and her fiancee Bryan decide it is prudent to invite me to their recent housewarming party. There is only one slight problem... my tags are expired and they live in the same neighborhood that Deliverance was filmed in.

Imagine driving to Salisbury U and then driving what seems to be ther entire trip back... through the deepest, darkest forest you have ever seen. My newly acquired friend (through "it") Carrie, decided to drive with me. Since we have very little knowledge of each other... talking was sparce to say the least. I think we just decided to fish for something that seemed to be a hot button for us and kept repeating that same thing over and over until I decided to turn on the radio. The funny thing is that we are both extremely eccentric people with lots in common, but we barely knew each other and it was a bit awkward.

So anyways, back to Jumanji... As we drove down roads appropriately called "Campground Dr" I half expected Jason Voorhies (no not the brother of Lisa Turtle from Saved by the Bell) to pop out from behind a tree and decapitate my companion. We finally pulled up to the house and we get out to go and see this gargantuan house in front of us. It was really.... really.. nice (for me to poop on) j/k. I hop inside and say hi to a couple of people that I knew and make a B-line (see Dane Cook) to the garage where I know there to be booze. My friend mookie is out there with his GF Katie and this calms my anxiety quite a bit. Mookie is an extremely italian young man with one eyebrow. SEXAYYYYYY!

On to the funny part... well actually it's sort of ironic:

Michelle had suggested (not told me) that I need to leave some of our more boisterous friends at home because of the havoc that they normally cause while under the influence. I am not going to name names, but we will call them Don Swartz and Dustin Crovo.

The ironic part about all of this is how drunk member of Michelle's family got during this party. Let's start with the least drunk to get the ball rolling... her mother. Michelle's mother is pretty talented at holding her liquor... so her and I ended up having a conversation about plates from Big Lots...where mom buys her sardines hahaha. Then we will move on to Michelle's brother... we will call him Jave. Jave was so drunk that the first thing he did when he saw me is come up to me an rub my belly. I was a little taken aback... but only when i realized that he would not go further south. The drunkest was by far, Carrie (not my friend), Michelle's aunt. I will not protect her name because she was really drunk. ;)

Here is a timeline of the evening... just to give you a basic idea of alcohol consumption:

9:00pm - B line to garage
9:30pm - Beer number 3 already (blue Moon on tap... GO BRYAN!)
9:45pm - Jave decides to rub down my stomach
10:00pm - I decided that i am buzzing and my wheat thin intake is low.. I load up on WT's
10:10pm - Jave begins talking louder with his grandmother about smoking pot
10:11pm - Michelle's mom encourages Jave
10:12pm - everyone at the party knows how much jave like Marijuana
10:13pm - I know this is going to be a good night.
10:35pm - I smoke a cigarette with Carrie and Carrie. Aunt Carrie tells me of her distaste for the Arab Community
10:38pm - Carrie has an altercation with and Egyptian party guest
10:39 - Carrie lets everyone know that "they" shouldn't be aloud in the country
11:00pm - I am drunk and I think this is funny ( I am no longer responsible for damage control as I am the ex)
11:01pm - Bryan begins working damage control
11:02pm - Jave (Michelle's brother) tries to start a fight because someone had brass knuckles at the party (apparently this is a major sign of disrespect)
11:03- Bryan tells Dave that the guy with the brass knuckles is his bodyguard (it works)
11:35 - I am hammered (I think I peed on the seat)
11:55 pm - Carrie spills Bryan's Mom's French martini....
11:55 pm - Carrie blames it on Bryan's mom.
12:30 am - Jave has me cornered for the next 45 minutes telling me about the 911 conspiracy theory and underground tunnels in D.C.
1:15 am - I am so drunk that I spill Chambord on Michelles new carpet
1:20am - As Michelle is cleaning it... I blame it on her....classy
1:25 am - Carrie makes us leave and says she is driving home
1:26 - I leave without saying goodbye as this is physically impossible with how drunk i am.
4:00am - i stumble up my stairs and go to bed
THE NEXT DAY - I wonder why my seat is push so far up in my car.??????????

More to come soon on the other events... myspace is pretty cool. Thanks for listening to me.

SEACREST OUT

....................

2006-10-09T18:30:00.000-05:00

ALL OF MY CANVASSERS ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!

Revised Football Picks

2006-09-08T13:12:00.001-05:00

Who are your picks? Here are my real and Revised picks for the NFL this year.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings 10-6
Chicago Bears 7-9
Green Bay 6-10
Detroit 2-14

NFC South

Tampa Bay 11-5
Carolina 10-6
Atlanta 8-8
New Orleans 6-10

NFC East

Washington 11-5
Dallas 10-6
NYG 9-7
Philadelphia 6-10

NFC West

Seattle 10-6
Arizona 8-8
St Louis 8-8
San Fran 3-13

AFC North

Cincinatti 11-5
Pittsburgh 9-7
Baltimore 7-9
Cleveland 3-13

AFC South

Indiannapolis 12-4
Jacksonville 10-6
Tenessee 6-10
Houston 4-12

AFC East

Miami 10-6
New England 9-7
NYJ 7-9
Buffalo 4-12

AFC West

Denver 11-5
San Diego 10-6
KC 9-7
Oakland 7-9

Playoffs: NFC: Dallas, Carolina, Washinton, Seattle, Minnesota, Tampa
AFC: San Diego, Jacksonville, Denver, Miami, Cincinatti, Indy

AFC Champ: Denver
NFC Champ: Washington

Defensive player of the Year: Sean Taylor/ Troy Polamalu
Offensive Player of the Year: Peyton Manning
MVP: Ladanian Thomlinson

Realistic

2006-07-28T17:19:00.000-05:00

Football is back ladies and gentlemen.. and i don't mean the kind where homos dance around on a field and can't use their hands. (God I hope i don't get a yellow card for that statement)

I have decided to break down the world of NFL competition as I see fit:

P.S. - if you think I am wrong, YOU ARE!

This is how it will break down this season of 2006-2007 football.

AFC NORTH

1. Cinicinatti Bengals
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Cleveland Browns

The Bengals are on the rise after their first playoff appearance in 9 years and defensive mastermind, Marvin Lewis at the helm. They will handle the North with ease as the Steelers just don't have the weapons that they had last year. They lost Jerome Bettis and Antwaan Randle-El to retirement and free-agency in the off season. Super Bowl dreams for the Steelers have gone belly up after the gift they received from the officials this past January. The Ravens and Browns can keep dreaming. They just suck asshole.

AFC East

1. Miami Dolphins
2. New England Patriots
3. New York Jets
4. Buffalo Bills

The AFC East was a tough call and obviously a very unpopular decision this year with my choice of the Dolphins taking the East crown over the Pats. The fact is that the Pats have been dwindling away the past couple of years and and now that the Fins have a decent QB in Culpepper this year. The Jets are getting better, but they still would lose against a college team. The Bills are competing with the texans for worst team in football. Dolphins will win the division but get pummeled in the first round of the playoffs against a wild-card team.

AFC South

1. Indiannapolis Colts
2. Jacksonville Jaguars
3. Tennesee Titans
4. Houston Texans

The Colts are a lock in this division and the Jags might have a shot at a playoff spot. Everyone else should just kill themselves.

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Kansas City Chiefs
4. Oakland Raiders

This division is probably the second best division in football after the resurgence of the NFC East this past year. The Chargers are due with the talent that they have and i feel that they are going to have a QB in Phillip Rivers like the Steelers had in Roethelisberger. This kid is good and I saw him when he was with NC State kickin ass and making good decisions. The Broncs played well last year, but they had a pretty easy schedule outside of their division and ended up winning games by luck as opposed to skill. They will grab one of the wild-card spots and kick Miami's ass in the playoffs. The Chiefs will be single handedly ruined by Herm Edwards, but LJ should have a solid year in the backfield. The Raiders are a victim of poor ownership and management and Art Shell couldn't save them before and won't save them now. LAST PLACE losers!

NFC North

1. Minnesota Vikings
2. Chicago Bears
3. Green Bay Packers
4. Detroit Lions

Wait a second, did I say the AFC was the worst division in football? I stand corrected. This one is. The Bears have a killer D and that should get them to .500 this season. Rex Grossman will kill the Bears with mistakes. PUT KYLE ORTON BACK IN!!!!!!!!! The only reason I have the Vikings beating the Bears in this division is becasue BRad Johnson finds a way to win games. That all. If Brad doesn't play well Chicago has this division hands down. If he does play well, then the Vikings will win by a game. The packers and Lions will continue to shit the bed until they realize they need to lose Millen and Favre.

NFC South

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. New Orleans Saints

This is really all BUCS! Hopefully Chris Sims doesn't play as well as he did last year, but if he does, they will kill this division. Jimmy Williams isn't going to do shit for Atlanta , and they need to get Vick on a Soccer field. Crumpler and his sub-par performance last year got him in the pro-bowl while snubbing a much better choice due to popularity issues (Cooley). The Saints are terrible with or without Reggie Bush (a gift from the Texans) and the Panthers better hope Steve Smith plays the same as last year, becasue cry-baby Keyshawn has butterfingers.

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Arizona Cardinals
3. St Louis Rams
4. SF 49ers

The Seahawks will have little trouble with this division. The Rams Suck and you get kicked out of the league if you lose to the Niners. The Cardinals will be better, but not good enough. Edgerrin James should be enough of a threat to open up the passing game for.....ummmm.....ummm... Kurt Warner? Nevermind. Their best bet is to throw the ball up in the air and hope either Boldin or Fitzgerald comes down with it.

NFC East

1.Washington Redskins
2.Washington Redskins
3.Washington Redskins
4. Dallas Cowboys

The best division in football and the home of the illustrious and invincible Washington Redskins is what I have saved for last. This division will be an absolute dogfight, except for the Eagles which will wallow in their own shit after 2 years of self destruction. Welcome to the cellar you dirtballs. The Giants should be mostly hyp this season after improving their middle of the field D, but not their secondary where they needed the most help. Giants fans will be dissapointed when they reach 8-8 and just miss the playoffs. The Cowboys and Redskins will fight it out to the end of this one and will meet in the Championship game at Fed-Ex field where T.O. will be shut out for catches of over 5 yards and he will cry like a little girl with a skinned knee and shit. See you in the Super Bowl mother Fuckas!
NFC

You have reached the sprint voice mail box of......

2006-07-26T13:14:00.000-05:00

So much mutha fuckin catching up to do! I don't even know where to begin.

Heather you seem to be moving to N.C. with Tom Dowd. It's quite a transition from NYC to Green Acres. i wish you the best of luck. I guess I will meet this guy at Laura's party thing on Saturday and I am sure to take him away from you because you all think I'm gay anyway.

Linz, you have a fine piece of man-meat! You also have a boyfriend! You both seem genuinely happy in that photograph ... that makes me happy.....and when I'm happy, my knees buckle and my penis squirts pee-pee!

Laura - Hi

Dave - There is a patent pending on my top-ten list idea and I am still in legal proceedings with David Letterman for stealing my shit. I hope you're a good lawyer. Not because I am going to sue you, but because I am in a lot of trouble.... we'll talk soon.

Nikki - good to see your blog is up and running like usual

God - are you there? It's me Margaret and I am heavy flow.

So now that i think I have done my fair share of catching up on my terms, I will begin with telling you all the magical story of where my life has gone in the past month. So sit back, relax, grab a fruit roll-up (You know, the ones that put the tattoos on your tongue, but not the blueberry kind cuz they make your mouth blue.... oh shit speaking of blue I saw the blue angels this May for the Naval Academy graduation and it was phenomenal!... oh shit speaking of graduation, Erin is due to graduate from Maryland in the fall... ahhhhh... college..... remember college... oh shit... well anyways...)

I have been working non-stop on my new invention! It is called THE CHAIR. It takes away world hunger and pestilence! It's absolutely amazing! All you need is a La-z-boy and a whole buncha computer shit. It's almost as good as Ali G's invention of the hoverboard. p.s. - I lied and just made that whole thing up.

I really just bought a new truck this weekend from Antwerpen Kia Automax. I bought an Infiniti QX4 and I absolutely love it to death. I was a little disheartened to hear that Jack says yes to every deal unless you are a total piece of shit with a collective tri-bureau credit score pull that is in between homeless and possibly a trash man. Fortunately the finance manager thought I was hot and decided it would be in her best interest to give the bank some sucky sucky and get me approved at the rate I was looking for. (some of this story may be dramatization)

I have driven my car non-stop since Saturday and i will be bringing it to laura's party on this Saturday to show all of you!!!!! But, that is not the exciting news that I bring you... I come bearing gifts.... that news was only the Myrrh of the three gifts I offer you:

The Frankenscense I bring thee is the fact that my boss is paying for this car for the most part. It is only costing me 60 bucks a month after my new car allowance.

Now the gold... so hold on to your seats. I am talking to a really cool girl and I really like her a lot. She isn't like a lot of other girls out there that are run-of-the-mill. She is intelligent, and pretty and she understands the word "facetious." She appreciates my humor and doesn't think I am crazy..... wow, thats a first. This Sunday I will be taking her somewhere nice hopefully, but I am strapped for ideas for a first date. I was wondering if some of you had any ideas as to where we should go. I don't wanna go too fancy, but i wan't it to be a casual and relaxed atmosphere. I was thinking the Jetty or something like that. I like the Jetty. I like the Tin Man. I like the Wizard of Oz. You tell me what you think is right!

I figured i would leave you with a bit-o-humor like a list (patent pending)

Top five funniest words that when combined take on a whole new meaning (pormanteau)

5. Jabberwocky - how could anyone be scared of something called a fuckin Jabberwocky? especially if the borogroves were mimsy, and the mome raths outgrabe? ( don't know what two made up ass words this word is made up of)

4. Motel - A nice way of saying shitty hotel -or- place to fuck my girlfriend if i still live with my parents .(motor hotel)

3. Relationshoe - What we often get stepped upon by (relationship and shoe)

2. Bootylicious - Since when was anything that was around or came out of an ass delicious? Oh wait I know something near an ass. (booty (buttocks) and delicious)

1. Shuke - When you are really sick and you shit and puke at the same time! HAHAHAHA!

Chew on that! (shit and puke)

America, Fuck yeah!

2006-04-25T12:31:00.000-05:00

Coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss It was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his chest now He takes off her dress now Let me go And I just can't look It's killing me And taking control Jealousy Turning saints into the sea Swirling through sick lullaby choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes I'm Mr. Brightside

Doesn't that just sum up everything? I think we are all just jealous people. The human being was not made for monogamy. It's a territorial pissings kind of thing. It's why male Cheetahs kill cheetah cubs. We just introduced new unanimalistic things into our society to make it "different" from the animal kingdom. Drugs, alcohol, etc... What we tend to forget, is that we are all animals. We have just been institutionalized. My friends, this is the island of Dr. Moreau!

Wow, that was deep..... but that's not what I came here to say!

My world is about to change for the better dramatically! I was notified today that I had received another promotion and I am being moved back to the belly of the beast, my beloved Maryland. I just received my first managerial promotion two months ago. My boss was so impressed that he just promoted me. He told me that he trusts me and that i impressed him. The commute to Delaware was just a test. He talked about a gas card and a company Mercedes Benz! Oh, yeah and a $10,000 a year raise! I am feelin pretty good right now about me. Skins make the playoffs, 2 promotions, new car, credit score back up, and single? You gotta be kiddin me!

P.S.
I met someone as well ;) She is Punta Cana right now spending the plethera of money that she has! I am pretty excited about that too! No more loneliness for this guy. I knew focusing on my career would be a good idea!

BABY LOOK AT ME GO
FROM ZERO TO HERO !
YOU BETTER TAKE IT FROM A GEEK LIKE ME
WELL I CAN SAVE YOU FROM
UNORIGINAL DUMB DUMBS
WHO WOULDN'T CARE IF YOU CUMMMMMM
GET THEM OR NOT!

I'M OUT THIS BITCH

Wow, what the hell happened to us?

2006-04-10T12:55:00.000-05:00

This is dedicated to my two sisters who I would like to see more:

I was looking at a little kid the other day. She was playing mini-golf with me actually. I saw her hitting the ball with reckless abandon and just sort of hack at it with no intention of it going in the hole. She just wanted to hit the ball with "the stick". Moments later she decided to leave her club on the ground, walk away from the green, and over to a patch of dandelions. She picked the kind up with the little white fuzz and proceeded to close her eyes as tight as she could. She blew all the of the them away with two big breaths and twirled around in a circle looking at the sun. I asked her if she made a wish and she smiled and said "yes Mr. Chris I did". I said "Oh yeah? What for?" she said back to me "I'm not telling you that silly. I just hope the wind didn't wish for something first."

At that moment, I took a look behind the scenes of my life... all our lives. I looked at the way I used to chase ducks around the yard. The times we would go to the Naval Academy to feed the squirrels and see "Jimbo Jones." (John Paul Jones) Going to Oxon Hill Farm or the nature center, Marching in the opening day parade for Mago Vista Baseball. Family portraits at Olan Mills, trips to Busch Gardens, watching t.v. together, weight watchers treats, the Assateague disaster vacation.

The quotes are also great:

-"Who ate the last snack cake?!!!" - dad
-"I think it's a nice time, i thinks it's a nice join." - Erin
- "Move over bacon, here comes sizzilean." - Laura
- "Jumpin Jehosepha! The pee pee man got me." - me
- " Let's get Monkey Business.... this one looks good." - mom

These things remind me of what having a real family was like, and why I held on to the little family I had. Now I have quotes that I can remember them by too. "Abracadabra."
Anyways, enough of that!

I realized how much things have changed in our lives and so many others. I wonder what makes us bored of these things that were so wonderful when we were children. Why can't we have our dandelion wishes back? Why can't we run through the sprinkler anymore? Why can't we just be carefree? We grew up so damn fast. Shit, I'm still growing up!

I remember when I got my first job. I was so excited to work! Laura and I actually worked together there Crab Station). Now sometimes I, and all of you, dread getting up and going to work at all.

I think that we can get these times back by enjoying this summer the way that we were intended to. Let's have fun! Let's have a party at my house this weekend! I can't wait for the rest of my life to begin!

P.S. - Don't ask me why I was playing golf with little children

Hey kettle, did you know you were black?

2006-03-22T18:48:00.000-05:00

So this month has been a very eventful one with many wonderful financial endeavors on the horizon. My friend Shawn and I decided to go out to dinner at G&M restaurant in Linthicum the other night after deliberating on which restaurant would have the most trashy girls in it. Eventually we realized that G&M was the only restaurant that was open when we decided to make our decision.

We ate our dinner and hit on the trashy hostess a bit. When we were done that, we felt that the night was not over quite yet. We decided to go Ho-hunting. This is a primitive male ritual where young men get together and go to the most trashy part of their state and proceed to talk to hookers and hit them with newspapers if they get smart with us.

EXAMPLE:

US: Hey, how's it goin?
Hood rat: Just takin a walk
US: show us your boobs
Worthless hooker: money talks assholes
US: did you read the paper today
Street Urchin: no (can't read)

-*SMACK!*-

US: NOW YOU HAVE!

I know, I know that is really insensitive, however please remember it is still funny.

So, after dinner Shawn and I are in the belly of the beast (Brooklyn- not NY), and we are driving down the road and we see this attractive girl walking with a Sunny D and some Spree candies. She is obviously a whore, but she is the prettiest whore we have ever seen (besides Julia Roberts).

She has no top teeth and is obviously trying to hide this from us as she lip-smiles her way over to our car. I then wondered how it was possible to eat Spree candies without teeth. "Hey Fellath howth it goin?" "I'm justh takin a sthroll."

Shawn asks her if she wants a ride and she was like "Thure!"

She gets in. I proceed to tell her that we are making a documentary about the lifestyle. She says "Thith ithent going to be on HBO ith it?" HAHAHAHAHAHA can you imagine the voice in the background from Hookers at the Point.
She then proceeds to tell us everything about her life like:

I hate the world
I am hooked on heroine
I have a BF
etc......

The plethera of information that she is giving us is so interesting that Shawn and I actually decide to make a documentary about the lifestyle. It's called the Fairhaven Diaries

I have not had the opportunity to meet anyone quite as interesting as the toothless Brooklyn Hooker which we will from now on refer to as the TBH. Even though her name was Heather, I just want to call her Shirl. ;)

West Staines Massive BOYYYYYYY!

2006-02-25T09:34:00.000-05:00

Yo, I'ze be eer wif my main man, ee be none udder den da Secretary General of da UN: Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Gali. (sic)

Yeah baby! Today I am going to grab my official copy of Ali G : Da Complete Second Seazon (sic) on DVD. I am celebrating the fact that i got a new roomate yesterday. His name is Andrew and he sorta looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin, but he is a really chill dude (Especially after I put his candy ass in the Rock Bottom) Okay...Okay... Okay, so nobody watches wrestling anymore I know, but I thought it was kinda funny. This is what makes my new roomate so great:

I decided that the night before my 11:00am appointment with him, that it would be a great idea if i were to go out to the bar, get wasted, pick up a woman and bring her back to my place to "talk". This did not work so well in the morning, because she come into my room the next morning frantically saying this: "Oh My God!, Some guy was just knockin on your door and I was smoking POT!" I am pissed at this point because :

1. This bitch had the audacity to smoke that disgusting shit in my house
2. She didn't even come in to wake me up after he had come to the door ....she waited til he was about to drive away.
3. I saw what she really looked like w/o beer goggles on. I'm thinking Grace Kelly and she looks more like Grace under Fire.
4. She spilled a fucking wax candle on my carpet and blamed it on a dog that i didn't have!

I say "Answer it dammit"... She continues to stand there like an idiot! I get up and chase this guy out in the parking lot. Thank God he was as desperate as I was to get that place rented out. I try to explain why she is in the house and why it smells like it does to him, he just laughs it off coolly as if to say "Don't worry about it bro." I melt.... Just kidding I am not a fag... I hate guys, I LOVE WOMENNNNN!!!!!!(view askew 1995)

He walks into the house and loves it instantly (because it's phat) and I knew he was the right one after the 18 ex-convicts who came to see the house, and I asked him to move in with me. All my bloggers are gonna meet this guy for sure, because, get this... he says to me " Got any more pot?" CLASSIC

Another Day another Struggle

2006-02-21T16:01:00.000-05:00

Well I just came out of "super depression mode" now I need to make a top ten list for all to see:

HUDSANITY this goes out to you and all my Brownsville Niggas:
Top Ten cars that only fags drive:

10. Teal Chevy Cavalier (this car happens to be mine)
9. Ford Probe : How many rapist drive this one
8. Ford Taurus: "Mom, can I borrow the Taurus to go get some Baskin Robbins?... No Timmy just use the Probe"
7. Giant Dodge Truck/ Gravedigga - The guy who Fucked Julia drive one of these things... Ironically enough so does Boss hog from Duke of Hazzard
6. Dodge Neon - The Wigger's Dream!
5. Chrysler 300 - I'm too poor to buy a Bentley or A Mercedes
4. VW bug - The old ones are loud and annoying the new ones are equipped with a damn flower!
3. Saturn/ Kia/ or Daewoo of any kind - Dammit man! Have some self respect
2. Old ass beat ass diesel MERCEDES! - You own a 7-11
1. The Roo (Matt we had many memories in this and I told you i would tie this blog to you) But it's not as bad as a 1977 244dl Volvo that's mustard YELLOW!

Do I have intimacy issues?

2006-02-17T10:13:00.000-05:00

Last night I think I may have had the absolute worst night of my life!

just kidding ;)

I had one of my better ones actually! I had the pleasure of spending the evening with a intellectual and beautiful woman. Kelley, you know who you are (and now everyone else does too. lol)

Let me give a rundown of some events that took place to clarify the importance of this new person in my life. (This will give the girls at Edenwald something to talk about while they sip on Starbucks.) :

Christy B. was Laura's roomate from College @ York. I ended up being my sister's date to Christy's interesting Polish wedding reception (see : me blog you long time). I met Kelley, a girl that intrigued the hell out of me, that night. She had a story about this guy who broke her heart named Kenny. I instantly sympathized with her, having been through something similar in my life. I thought we hit it off!
I digress.
After hunting down her personal information, I talked to her on the phone the other night for 3 hours (a new record). I think we both realized that we were a relatively good fit as far as conversation goes. I am attracted to her, I guess that goes without saying, however I think the fact that she is so smart is what really turns me on. She uses words like autonomy, and idiosyncrasies. That is my type of woman..."Oh yeah baby, talk nerdy to me". In all seriousness this is what hits my hot spot (my cerebellum baby)
So I talked to her last night for 5 hours (newer record) and I loved every minute of it. We laughed, we cried, we hurled. J/K So I think that both of us were really happy to be around someone who fits the mold of what we were, are, or will be looking for one day.
It went past the point that she was a redhead (all time fantasy of every guy) to the fact that she was a fascinating, sexy, and complete person.
I finally, after asking to stay there, worked up the nerve to kiss her. I was so lame! hahaha! I know it! I think it would have been more smooth if I had given her a note stating : "Do you like me?...Circle yes no or maybe." She was a great kisser and our styles didn't offend each other. Obviously adjusting to someone different is difficult, but we made a smooth transition. I believe you can tell quite a bit about someone from a kiss too. I held on to her when she went to sleep and I didn't want her to go to bed, but it was late.
She told me that she like the way i looked at her. She had to know how easy it was to continue doing so. I like her a lot. I just wish we would have met earlier in life, seeing as how this is a bad time for both of us.
For what I believe to be the beginning of wonderful things to come, I will never forget this night. She was very honest with me. She thinks I'm confusing my feelings for her with the feelings of comfort. She says that maybe I was lacking intimacy in my relationship recently. She is probably right, but I knew how good it felt to hang on to her last night. I had really been thinking about it for quite a while. This proves that my prior relationship was going nowhere fast. I think I might have come on too strong, and I don't want her to think that I am some kind of freak. So, Kelley, sorry about that...(turning pink). Instead of being just a "hot redhead" she has an will become so much more than that. I can't wait til we can hang out again. I am a bit nervous though, I can't compete with midgets. Especially if they are wrestlers!

Whether or not this thing pans out to be "just friends" or not, I am so happy to have Kelley in my life.

You can't say happiness without saying penis.

2006-02-14T13:32:00.000-05:00

I figure, in light of the recent events that are currently taking place. Although I am very much "seeing red" this Valentines day, I have a funny story for you.

I used to work at Tweeter and have been hanging out with some of my old friends from there (although I deserve to be chastised for abandoning them). We were at the bar last night scoping out for strange (what an utter dissapointment that was). Isn't it interesting that when you go to the bar to meet girls, you meet the kind of girls that hang out in bars. I was there with two of my closest guy friends, Justin and Shawn. Justin is great friend of mine for years and he is telling me this story and I swear Bacardi shot outta my nose. So, for your reading pleasure:

Justin was riding down the street with this guy Richard. Richard is a yo boy from England. I swear to GOD that is like Ali G. He has a Neon and listens to Ja Rule and Lil Jon while driving. He has sparkly paint on the car that glitters in the sunlight!
Anyways, I digress. They are driving down the road and out of nowhere, some jerk cuts them off without using a blinker! (I hate when that happens!) Apparently I don't hate it more than Richard the Wiganker.

Richard speeds up to get next to this guy and Justin is about to yell, "Nice Blinker asshsole!" but before he can get it out, Richard yells out the window to the guy (I SHIT YOU NOT!) "Nice Indicator!"

Nice indicator!
Nice fucking indicator!

That is how you say blinker in England!

Justin cryed laughing
I cryed laughing
it was the first time I laughed that hard in months......so rich!

Now Shawn's story:
Seeing as how it is impossible to find a girl in North AA county w/o kids or tattoos, my friend, Shawn is dating this girl named Brandy and she has a lot of kids(conceived in marriage at least). Like 4 I think. Her uterus is about to fall out anyway. But she has trouble finding babysitters that can watch them all. Shawn being the sweet guy that he is makes reservations for tonight at Ruth's Chris and has a major gift card. She needs to bail on him though. So he has decided to treat me to a romantic V-day dinner at R.C.'s The humor is this :
Imagine two guys sitting together on V-day having dinner together at a fancy restaurant. That is the dictionary definition of FAG. LOL

Forgetting how to say Goodbye

2006-02-12T18:09:00.000-05:00

In my life, there are things that I remember and there are things that I forget. I remember the relationships that I have had with the people who have touched my life. I remember the lessons I have learned. I remember the good times when we laughed, the bad times when we cried, and all the enigmas in between. I remember The way I used to look into your eyes and try to transmit messages of love to you without saying a single word. I remember the days we had in summer on the front stoop and the way you warmed me up when it snowed in Winter. Spring trips to the park with the children; The first time I took the babies out for Halloween in the fall.

I remember when you waited by the window. I remember when I could see only you. You could see only me. I remember feeling like you were the one. I remember your skin, your smell, your breath, and your smile. I remember and miss all these things, but I realized that I forgot how to say "goodbye."

What keeps us on the phone for so long? Why do I keep answering your calls? Why do I drive by just to see your car? I missed you.

I just forgot that it was time to say "goodbye." I don't want to. God it hurts so bad, but this time I know it's for real. My chest hurts everytime I think of you. I think of you so often too. I need to stop needing you. What you did to me, it hurt me worse than you will ever know.

So it's time to say "goodbye."

You weren't perfect, but I took you as you were and loved you. It's not that I don't want to love you anymore, My body, my soul, and my heart just won't let me do it. Julia, I don't love you anymore. Saying Goodbye to you is the hardest thing I have ever done, but you said goodbye a long time ago. It's time to heal. As hard as it is to do, I forgive you. Move on with your life and become something. Those kids need you now more than ever. Don't abandon them.

goodbye to the life we had that I tried to save
goodbye to the laughter we shared
goodbye to the family we tried to have
goodbye to the pain
goodbye to the tears
goodbye to our love

"goodbye."

current music-
Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve
Simple Kind of Life- No Doubt
Saying Goodbye - Sugarcult

Pardon me as I burst, and rise above the flames...

2006-02-06T11:37:00.000-05:00

Yes, I will never be the same.

To all that have been hurt: Please give this a chance. It just might help you the way it helped me.

When someone takes a chance on love, there are only 3 possible outcomes: win, lose, or draw. The past couple of times that I have been lucky enough to experience love, I have lost that love in a bad experience. My love interest has had a wandering eye, swiftly followed by a wandering lust for something different. Although the experiences they have are no better (if not worse) than I am, a lover may still feel compelled to look elsewhere. I don't understand this process scientifically, however, I think this may be caused by human nature. When a situation like this occurs in our lives, we always ask ourselves the same questions: "What is out there that could possibly be perceived as more exciting, exhilarating, impressive, nurturing, or wonderful as me?" or " Why am I so terrible at love?" or "What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he/she love me anymore?" (which is quickly followed by tears of agony and self pity). If any of this rings true within your heart or sings to your soul and is easily identifiable, guess what... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Let me start by answering these questions for you:

What out there is more appealing than me?

Have you ever heard the term: The grass is greener on the other side of the hill? This relates to our situation directly. No matter how special you are, there will always be an animal magnetism to other adventures out there that are not you. You are not boring or loathsome, unkempt and undesired, or any of these things. You are beautiful! You are unique! Now, finally, you control your own destiny. Whether or not you want to recover is all up to you and time. Remember, falling down is the easy part. Getting back up is what requires true grace. To make a long story short, there is nothing more interesting and fascinating than you. People are just greedy.

Why am I so terrible at love?

I think this is one of the questions that everyone asks themselves. It is unfortunate that everyone has such a difficult time in finding the obvious answer. The answer is that you are not terrible at love, just inexperienced. I believe that the divorce rate is where it is because people get married to the first thing that comes along that is spiritually fulfilling to them. My colleague at work has been married nearly 30 years and he told me something that chilled me. He said "The moment you meet your spouse, you know they are the one right away." WOW! Imagine that feeling, that freedom, that excitement! I know I want to experience that someday. I did not experience that with any of the last 3 GF I have had. That's not abnormal I guess for a 25 year old man though. The feeling eventually came later, but I think it was the feeling of being comfortable with them.

Why doesn't ______ love me anymore? (what did I do wrong?)

This is the eternal tear jerker question and has welled tears in my eyes many a time. It's funny how we, as humans, have been trained to blame ourselves when something emotional goes wrong. I say this especially for the men who must act macho, and stereotypical to conform to acceptable social standards. You are not to blame unless you were abusive. Remember, the other side of the coin though: Someone you love unconditionally would never cause you to act abusive toward them, right? I understand that some people are just abusive by nature, but most of them have someone that drives them nuts! The fact is that most people are either poor manipulators or great manipulators. When the manipulation and dishonesty stops, so will the uneasiness. A very popular wedding verse from the "Good Book" states many ideas about love. Let's see who agrees with these ideas.
I am by no means a bible thumper, so don't get the wrong idea here. I wanted to share with you the skewed view on reality that many of us believe to be "Gospel." In Corinthians 1:13 it says :

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.
And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
And if I dole out all my goods, and if I deliver my body that I may boast but have not love, nothing I am profited.
Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous, it is not selfish, it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil. It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things, it has faith for all things, it hopes in all things, it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins.

This is one of the most powerful things I have ever read. It states that we are nothing without love. We tend to think of love as romance as opposed to the love we give each other on this very blog site. The understanding that we have for each other and the peace it brings us is unparalleled! It brings me such joy to know that we can all really depend on each other in an extreme time of need.
As far a the Bible passage, I believe a lot of this, I really do, but what it doesn't tell you is that love can be a multitude of other things as well, such as:
greedy, selfish, spiteful, lusty, imperfect, and it is usually superseded by desire. Romantic love does fail sometimes. But true love I believe is forever; the kind of love where you want to see that person so much; the kissing, the staring deeply into each other's eyes , the 4 am sleep schedules, or even putting the well being of someone else ahead of yourself. This my friends is true love!

We relate love to romantic love so much, that we tend to push family and friends aside. Although we know in our hearts that their love is the kind that will keep us going, true love. True love is staring into your newborn child's eyes for the first time. It's being happy just because someone you love dearly is happy. It's putting : From Santa Claus on a package that is from you just to keep a little magic alive in a loved one's heart. It's the answer to all our problems, but we choose to ignore it more than we embrace it. It's perfect love.

SO TO ANSWER THE QUESTION:
You were always interesting and fascinating, but love fades away if it isn't perfect. Perfect love is the goal we all need to attain. We will all find it one day too, whether it be in this world or the next. You did nothing wrong.

AS FOR THE PARDON ME REFERENCE

Out of shear maturity and the grief that is caused in my heart by hurting others, I have decided to take down all of my bitter comments regarding my past loves. This will include my most recent. I must rise above the flames of animosity, anger, and spite to attain this perfect love.

Yes, I must admit that I am heartbroken right now and I need all the love and support of everyone here, so please give it if you can and you will receive it ten-fold when you go through it too. That's what it is all about.
BTW, everyone who read this page is a wonderful person in their own different way. Thank you for reading this and possibly posting. I love you all.

p.s. a funny one is coming soon

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

Make your own quote

2006-02-02T17:03:00.000-05:00

Go ahead and write your own caption for this photo:

I thought this would be a little change of pace from what you are used to.

Nobody else is doing it, so why can't we.......?

2006-02-01T15:41:00.000-05:00

I have noticed that no one else in this group but Heather and I are blogging for more than 3 lines of some song or a random thought. I guess it is about time to write about something funny now to keep everyone's spirits up. So here goes nothing:

I HATE STUPID IDIOTS!

Stupid idots are all around us. In our schools, our home, our internet, and even our white house. A Stupid idiot is http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=stupid X http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=idiot to the 2nd power divided by 1. Yeah, figure that out you stupid idiot!

These are the things that stupid idiots do:

-Spell words wrong to the point of wondering if they actually smashed the keyboard with their fist.
-Talk about how much they can drink. Great job John Bonham!
-Listen to Country music at full blast in their car
-Watch reruns of Growing Pains
-Drink drinks with sexual innuendos: Sex on the beach, Red headed Slut, or pink pussy blow job ass trumpet
-Don't know what an innuendo is.
-spell words that end in "S" with a "Z" example: sistaz
-Have kids with other stupid idiots
-Listen to Rusted Root
-Don't buy windows from me
-think that "a lot" is one word
-think that "everyone" is two words
-Would not be able to pronunciate (after reading) Colonel Sanders or Isle of Wight.
-Pretend to watch Sanford and Son and claim to understand the genius of Red Foxx
-Say they have seen a movie but really haven't, so when you say something like "Oh my GOD, you remember that part where Pee Wee is in the truck with Large Marge and..." and all they can say is something along the lines of "oh yeah". DUDE, you didn't see the fucking movie! Why would you lie about something like that? I still like you if you haven't seen the Damn movie CARL!
-Think that the best penthouse you can have is a magazine
-Hang out with white trash tools with no direction in life
-wonder why God dealt them such a bad hand when they get denied from the Royal Farms.

ERADICATE THE STUPID and give the Intelligent their salaries!

A book for thought

2006-01-28T09:22:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would be reading a book written by a psychic. However, I am currently doing this and it is quite possibly the best book I have ever read. It gives you a sense of peace about where we go when we die. So, where do we go when we "shed this mortal coil" (Shakespeare you fucking inbred)? No one really knows, except this woman named Sylvia Browne.
I am not one to beleive anything I read, but this woman brings more logic into her version of the Other Side than all religions combined. As we die, do we really sit on a cloud, grow wings, and play a harp for eternity? NO. In order to fully understand Suicide, Depression, Hell, and the Paranormal give this book a try. It is a couple of bucks on paperback and all of us should read it. It really is changing my views on life after death, because it all makes sense. It is called The Other Side by Sylvia Browne and it is interesting as all get out. Read it and then comment.

You know what really grinds my gears?

2006-01-25T16:55:00.000-05:00

This is obviously a spoof off of the family guy where Peter gets a job on local news editorial commentary section. So eat my ass if you are calling me anything but original. I gave credit where credit was due.

I have really been thinking about some of the things in my life that make me happy, sad, mad, etc... I will try to give you my outlook on these things, but also find things in common with other people. We will do this humorously just to keep everyone interested.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY:

A clean house
Reruns of a show or Movie I loved as a kid
Julia, Brielle, and Alaina
Taking a shit so solid that you don't have to wipe
Farting in a public place and having it not even stink bad
Finding money in my pocket
Ali G Season 2 is on DVD
Driving somewhere with the windows down and the music blaring
Good music on a sunny summer afternoon @ a keg party (think Sublime)
Finding out a wedding you are invited to is open bar
having a full tank of gas and over 1000.00 in my bank account
VAGINAS

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF :

Eminem trying to sing instead of rap
Nothing to do Saturday nights
Waiting for illicit substances
Country Music in a smoky dive
Country music anywhere
Cut Off jean shorts
Guys who wear black jeans with black hightops
Bills
Destiny's child, TLC and other materialistic bitches
Julia, Brielle, and Alaina
Working early after no sleep
sleeping through something important to you
My SPACE!

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD:

Jen and Brad (HAHA)
The thought that I am not number one in someone's heart that they are in mine
Homeless people sleeping on steam vents
the fact that they took He-man and Thundercats off the air
The Simpsons just isn't doing it for me anymore
We are all getting older

THINGS THAT SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME:

Linda Blair in the Exorcist
What, the devil, Remy, the Devil! (rent Harold and Kumar if you are scratching your head)
Sperm getting in my mouth somehow
spraining my ankle
Losing my coolness, goofiness, sense of humor, or any of these things.
Heights
Black guys in groups of 3 or more
Losing something important to me.
NOTHING, these were all lies. Or were they?

THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD THAT I AM ASHAMED OF:

Retards
Granny Porn
How cliches are true
When some kid is annoying you and climbing on something, then they get hurt doing the thing they were annoying you with
According to Jim
Will and Grace
A monkey having sex, peeing on something, or masturbating
Foreigners who barely know the language
POOR SPELLING

TOP FIVE WORDS WHICH JULIA MISPELLED ON HER MY SPACE: (sic)

5. "Well I am 23 yars old"
4. "Incubus and Greatful (sic) Dead are my fav."
3. "..and have alot(sic) of friends"
2. " I love art, my favorite is paintig"
1. " My favorite food is Begles"

FHRIS FRUSCARINI

2006-01-21T09:52:00.000-05:00

I have a shorty today. It's about one of my co-workers. To protect the not so innocent, we will change his name and shall call him Fhris.

Today, Fhris decided to ask me to look up an address on Mapquest. The address is in Bowie. But to completely understand the humor in this situation, I must give you a back story on Fhris.

This guy was the number one recruiter for an Armed Forces service we will call the Sarmy. He is a professional @ invading your personal bubble to the point that it gets really uncomfortable. I think he sells so much because people don't want to be turned into a lampshade. (It puts the lotion on it's skin...) His ego is bigger than Willie Nelson's tax bill and he is quite possibly the loudest person I have ever encountered. He is like heaven's joke ("Hey Jesus...check out the megaphone I put in this guy's throat instead of human vocal chords" "Oh man, If I didn't die for your sins at the hands of Lindsay's people, I would die laughing")

So everytime this guy walks in to the room, not only does he make your ears ring, he also causes you to jump a good meter outta your seat and proclaim things that don't make sense like "GOO!"
So this morning he walks into the room as I am typing on the computer and gives his patented air raid alarm style, "GOOOOOOOOOD MORNINGGGGGGG!" I said "GENERAL ZODDDD!" in my frightened condition and my heart jumped about 10 ft out of my chest. He was like, "Hey, you Mapquest this for me." I told him to eat feces. He was like, "Oh Fine, Dammit, I'll do it myself" .

He walked over to me, put crotch against me, and looked at the computer screen. [He is one of those guys that likes to tell on people (fuck!!!).] He looks at the screen and asks me what i am doing. I know he is about to tell on me or shout out @ jet engine volume, "Chris is looking at websites of a questionable nature and unbusiness related!" (i.e.- monster.com, but he makes it seem like it's a woman fuckin a donkey or something) To avoid this all together, I go to mapquest for him.

Since he can do everything better than me, He decides to grab the mouse out of my hand and type it in himself. His penis is now touching my arm and moving in a suspect manner. I throw up in my mouth. I say "get off me dude." and he backs away for a moment.

He then decides he will put his armpit in my face and and grab the mouse again. I know he saw the look of horror on my face as he rubbed up against me. That shit was traumatic. It was one of those things that makes you take a shower naked and huddled in a ball crying.

P.S. -Ironically enough I couldn't stay away from Julia for more than 2 days. She is always a sight for sore eyes.

FIN

A coon's age

2005-07-20T12:09:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in a coon's age and I think you guys definitely deserve a healthy blog because you all are down in the dumps!

This weekend I moved into my new place and it is big! I love it too and I want you all to come over and play a game called "Scene It". It is like one of those DVD games where you guess the movie clip or what the person's name is. It is a hoot!

I moved all of my shit up some serious stairs almost all by myself! A touch of humor to this blog as well and here it is:

Julia has a half-brother and he is crazy! He was sort of helping up move, but he was in the sunlight too long so he decided to go nuts. He ran out of his medication and we sent him to go and get the dolly to get the dresser up the hill. He went home. We were waiting forever. Finally Julia called her Dad's house to see if he'd gone home and he did! ASS! Needless to say i hurt myself trying to get that big ass dresser back up into the house! And my ass chaffed!!!!!!!

Later with more News bloggies, but I am tired and busy! Come and see my new house this Sunday or Saturday and we will all play scene it!

You run, you slide, you hit the bump, and you cause a heitle hernia!

2005-07-06T16:48:00.000-05:00

I figured that everyone else had a mighty good post for Independance Day, so I decided to tell you all how I spent mine.

I went to Walmart with Julia this weekend for one reason and one reason only. TO GET A SLIP AND SLIDE, I ended up leaving, not only with a slip-n-slide but also my self respect...j/k.... I got a baby pool too! I of course claimed that it was for the kids, but it was for me...all the way. In fact, I got a little mad when my girlfriend's daughter Brielle, referred to it as her slip-n-slide to the neighborhood kids. I put her in time out.

I set the slip-n-slide up and decided it was a good idea to give it a test run. I run about ten feet to the slip-n-slide and as I'm running to it I read out of the side of my eye "not for adults!". I do a backward retarded belly flop on the slip and slide and go about two feet because of my hesitation. I go nowhere. I attempt again.

I run for a second time toward the slip-n-slide and I take this one smooth, with a big fat belly flop. I slide about 10 ft and my pant slide about 5 ft. Keep in mind I am at my mother's house with the next door neighbors outside! Julia laughed.

The next day i have it ready for the kids and Alaina...my girlfriend's other daughter is scared to go on it due to her fear of water falling on her head and freaks the fuck out! Screaming and crying when she can't kick me!

Brielle is scared of it now too and must go on it with her hands around my neck . I did it for her, because every kid should experience a slip-n-slide once in their life. The extra weight gave us extra momentum, so instead of stopping at the end of the slip-n-slide we rocket an extra 10 ft on grass. just so you all know...grass cuts skin... iwas hurt .

I spent the rest of the day in the baby pool with Alaina and Brielle recouperating. The water was cold. I saw Erin when she came home from the beach... her and my Mom were bitching about something Laura did...so I zoned them out. Went to see fireworks and all was well on America's BIRF DAY!

My Random thoughts

2005-06-30T10:25:00.000-05:00

I have so many funny things to say that I skip around a lot. People then end up thinking I am crazy (Especially Black people). I would tend to agree with them if I didn't know the full story about my life and the things that make my family laugh. I am now an expert at doing this. In the spirit of tradition I have decided to write as many random things about this world that are funny or true , skipping around as randomly as possible.

1. Old people driving is like Christoper Reeve's throwing out the first pitch at the world series. FUTILE!
2. Stand up comedians make people laugh by talking about something that everyone does, but never talks about. Like picking thier nose! Unless they are black and then they jut talk in a stereotypical white guys voice and pretend to dance poorly.
3. I can eat 6 pints of B&J's Chocolate Fude Brownie in one sitting. Beat that whores!
4. My dad kept frozen minnows in the freezer to fucking eat! Not to fish with!
5. unwashed balls smell bad... so do unwashed vaginas.
6. CANCER SUCKS- I don't know much about Chemotherapy but I have never seen it work and I think it's a joke that all doctors have (haha, they have cancer AND their hair is falling out) (I hate doctors)
7. Everytime I go to the doctor because my ankle is the size of a dodgeball, I get a written fuckin prescription for MOTRIN.... MOTRIN PEOPLE! When my girlfriend or her mother go to the dentist for a toothache they get Percocet and Tylenol III! FUCK DAT!
8. My girlfriend calls me every 5 minutes.
9. Sanskrit is fucking impossible to read.
10. Who picks the name for scientific terms? Cheerleaders? Go NADS! YAY HURRAY! YIPPEE!
11. I hate banks worse than cancer! They always figure out a matematical way to make you overdraw.
12. Fake flowers are for Jackasses...but real flowers are for total retards....C'mon people.. they die (so do boyfriends) cincidence... I think not.
13. I would prefer to live forever.
14. Pot is retarded... So retarded in fact I will summarize a pot smokers evening
a) SMoke Pot
b) eat
c) go to sleep
SKIP the fucking pot and and have dinner and a nap (save the $90.00)
15. Domestic beer is piss. Domestic hard liquor is not so bad. Domestic wine is hit or miss. I kill domesticated animals
16. Harry Potter books are not for nerds. They are for your fuckin mother.. J/k I like Potter... I hate you!
17. Give your GF pain killers B4 you rock their ass. It doesn't hurt them as bad.
18. That was gross!
19. I don't care what they tell you.. Girls fart (I've seen and heard it)
20. JOIN MY FUCKIN FANTASY FUCKIN FOOTBALL LEAGUE FUCKERS! IT TAKES 5 FUCKIN MINUTES. ARE YOU TO GOOD FOR FIVE MINUTE OF TIME TO SPEND MAKING A TEAM NAME? I PROMISE YOU WILL HAVE FUN! www. yahoo.com then click sports.... then click fantasy.... then put in the info I am writing now!:
LEague ID: 104677
LEague Name: T.O. has B.O.
League Password: eaglessuckcowboys

THEY ARE ALL CAP SENSITIVE! YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES! SIGN UP to be removed from my blacklist!

So Long and Goodnight!

2005-06-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

No one has responded to my Fantasy Football post so I have decided to blog about something sentimental to me because noone reads my blog anyway!

I have been around music all my life (no I don't mean I grew up on a tour bus). I love music and I firmly beleive it runs deep in everyones soul. It connects our memories together and gives us summer vacations to look back on! In all the great things music does for our lives, people take it for granted and will throw away an artist for the centuries for a couple pop queens like Good Charlotte. I ask you were the meaning in the music is there? Being a musician I am 3 times as critical of music as you are too. I challenge you to breakdown to the point of tears with the crap that is on the radio now! Let me give you an example of what people sing about now-a-days. "You make my pee-pee go d-oing, d-oing, d-oing."

I have however, found a diamond in the rough which takes my breath away. This band holds it all together and takes all your favorite genres and molds them into one format (KICK ASS!) The band is My Chemical Romance. They are utterly fascinating and amazing. I urge you to at least give them a chance and allow me to share them with you if you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing their twisted, experience filled, dark, happy and wonderful music! I have listed them below in my list. LISTEN TO THIS SONG....you will not regret it. I promise. But what really turned me on about them was their video. This video beats Thriller and Guns and roses' November Rain! It is utterly amazing (and it features Gweneth Paltrow crying)

So in the spirit of everything that is sacred in music that we remember I will hopefully take you back to a summer that you had the time of your life! This selection of songs are a list of things that mean something to me. Being so into this stuff, it make me want to share it with you, my friends and family. I don't want to see any posts about how you don't like this band, or that band... jus tlisten to the song an lyrics and analyze what it means to me or you. I can tell I am a true music lover because I can find a band I hate and hear something in their music that brings me to my knees once again. Example : Roberta Flack (the first time ever I saw your face)

Observe and take something from this list and I hope it hit home somewhere:

1) My Chemical Romance - Helena
my take:
A young girl who was obsessed with death and suffering who finally gets her wish to be deceased. In this song she is having a conversation with God or some sort of deity saying that she might have been wrong about death and suffering, but whats done is done...so beit. She is ready to make her peace saying "What the worst that I can say? Things are better if i stay? So long, and Goodnight...So Long and Goodnight" (VIDEO will leave you with your jaw open)
Check it out here (www.mychemicalromance.com)

2) Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
my take:
About a child/children who run away from home and are forgotten once their name is out of the press. Reaching out to someone who does not feel understood.

3) Counting Crows - Anna Begins
my take:
Scared to fall in love and get hurt, the man in the song realizes that he pushes Anna away because of his fear. He loses her as a result and ponders what could have been (see also Chasing Amy sort of)

4) Radiohead - (Fake Plastic Trees) and (High and Dry)
my take:
About not being able to be the person someone else wants you to be and vice versa

5) Silverchair - Ana's song (OPen Fire)
my take:
About the struggle of dealing with an eating disorder and having a support network

6) Incubus - Stellar
my take:
About being totally enthralled with another human being that you feel you can do anything or go anywhere!

7) The Ataris - In this diary
my take:
Asong about what I just wrote about : YOU'RE FAVORITE SUMMER!

8) Supertramp - Give a little bit
my take:
DUH!

9) R.E.O Speedwagon- Take it on the run
my take:
about stealing great melody

10) QUeen - The show must go on
my take:
Written with his dying breath Freddie Mercury felt he would be letting us down if he didn't give us his best every show and it broke his heart that it was all over. POWERFUL!

11) Beach Boys - God Only Knows
my take:
Having a muse to write music for is wonderful!

12) Our Lady Peace - Clumsy
my take:
Even when you feel neurotic it's ok because you have people out therte who love you and will take care of you!

Give these a listen and I will be back with more later.
Just try them please

ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION

2005-06-22T13:38:00.000-05:00

If you are joining my FF League please register @ www.yahoo.com then click sports than click fantasy and sign up fot our league. The league name is: T.O. has B.O. and the league password is :eaglessuckcowboys enjoy naming your team. asshats!

THIS JUST IN: YOU MUST CLICK THE FREE LEAGUE TO JOIN NOT FF PLUS!

LEAGUE ID # 104677
League Name T.O. has B.O.
Password eaglessuckcowboys

ALL ARE CAP SENSITIVE!

FANTASY FOOTBALL? What the fuck for?

2005-06-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

Fantasy football is so fuckin gay! "Hey, I have noone who likes me so I am all gung-ho about this fantasy life and how it will make me the coolest guy at the office on Monday! My retarded cousin sent me some link for a Fantasy Football team game and i joined so I can have bragging rights at the dinner table for Thanksgiving! Yay, I'm so popular!" Two words.....REALITY CHECK LOSER GO TO HELL ASSCLOWN! Hey I think I want to join a fantasy life league where I am rich and famous. Fantasy football is for people without friends. You suck.

Seeing as how I have no friends that aren't my sister's, I have decided to start a Fantasy football league. The draft will be held at a local bar of my choosing. Comment on the comment screen if you have even a remote interest or inclination to join. Yay! Fantasy Football.

I hate rich old women

2005-06-21T12:30:00.000-05:00

Okay so I'm fuckin driving down the road today and I go to get a Lucky's sub sandwich (I love them shits). This fuckin broad in a Toyaota Avalon is yap-yap-yapping away on her cell phone as I am getting into a turn lane that I shared with oncoming traffic. She is coming right at me due to her cell phone drifting. She then swerves over to avoid hitting me and get this: the bitch has the audacity to try and take her hands off the wheel to honk her horn at me! She still has her fucking cell phone in her left hand and swerves again as a result of taking her fucking fat hand off the wheel. This angers me thoroughly and I feel the need to yell something so i muster up all my wit and this is what comes out : "Hey Bitch, I will cut you open like a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig. Hang up and drive hooker!"

The look on her face was like one of those look like in a Mastercard commercial. Priceless! She then waves the cell phone out the window to tell me that she was calling the police. I then did something that shames me deeply and is very out of character for me......... I spit on her car. I know, I know it was fucked up, but I was fucking livid at this waste of rich sperm. As I was driving away I did the David Spade "HEE HEE" from the toll booth Willie sketch. NOW, PUT THAST IN YO BOOK! Also if you want some neato blogs while I am in blog hiatus.....go to the website.

www.tuckermax.com

Another round of brew

2005-06-21T12:15:00.000-05:00

The Alien Guys said:

Who is this Jimmy Buffett, is he really big in MD or something. We all looked at these guys with our mouths wide open as if we just walked in on our parents "69ing". Then one of the Alien guys says "We have Vodka if you want some." "WELL, Why didn't you say SO!" I said with relief. At this point we had made many friends (including an Irish Comic named, with much thought, "Brett the Irish Comic." He plays the bagpipes and told us he liked screwing midgets because his penis looked so huge in tiny little hands. I laughed out loud because I like doo doo jokes.

It was time to go in to the show but I wanted to finish my cup of vodka. So, I asked the police officer in the front if I could take my cup of water into the concert. He said, ".............................................no." So I threw it in his face. Boy was he surprised when he realized that water isn't supposed to burn your corneas. So we see a hippie outside of the show and ask him needs any tickets (some people we met had extras). He said "No Dude" and handed us another free ticket. What the fuck are we supposed to do with that?!!! So if any of you wanted to come than you could have gotten so free tix inside. Remember that for next year Bitches.

On to the show:

Jimmy Buffett kicked ass as usual and played a collection of other artist's songs. There were some DMB and Jack Johnson songs. I was getting beer for half of the show but the parts that I saw were good. That really all that was fun that happened.

When we got back to the car I had an urgent voice mail. It was my boss saying that I had a fuckin lead to run in the morning! It was ass. So, I raced haome in an hour (record time) with only one Julia puke stop! That was buffett in a nutshell for you! Happy now?

Barmaid bring a pitcher!

2005-06-17T13:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, my blogs have sucked as of late and I figure it's actually time to give you a new one:
Here goes fuckers:

I had the pleasure of escorting my lovely GF to the Jimmy Buffett concert this Wednesday and it was a debacle from the beginning. We sat in traffic on 100 west for like 8 fucking years! I was so relieved that the least busy road we were going to travel this day was gridlocked. Fuck everyone but me while they are driving. Oddly enough the other 2 hours of our drive were smooth sailing. Just kidding they were all gridlock too! After 31/2 hours of sitting in fucking traffic and me cursing out the radio, pretending to grab a gun out of the glove box and scare the people who cut me off, and abnging my head on the steering wheel...we arrived at Nissan Pavilion to enjoy the party. Thank god after leaving ourselves what we thought was plenty of time we had an hour and a half to drink as much as we could. However my bladder was on DEFCON 5, so I grabbed a beer and hightailed it to the port-o-potty
I finally get back to the car which seemed like the walk to GOLGOTHA with the cross! (Lindsay click here) and begin the two-person beer fest. I bought a case of Corona and a 12 pk of Miller Lite for her. Julia proceeds to take a sip of her beer and claims she is drunk. Everyone, this girl has the tolerance of a microbe. She also decides that she is hungry and devours (when I say this I mean devours like a lady) our neighbor's Chex Mix. She eats so much of this Chex Mix that our neighbor feels compelled to offer her his Subway Tuna sub. After she devours the sub like a lady, she informs me with a sweet kiss that this hoagie was made with pure evil (tuna with red onions). I subsequently hurl up 3 beers and have to start over with the drinking. I am sad.
I think we also met some aliens on this trip because as we were nearing going in to the show some guys walked up to us and said this:

Alien Acquitted of Probing Child

2005-06-14T11:10:00.000-05:00

CLICK HERE TO START BLOG
(please read the first paragraph as the audio clip is playing)

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you breaking news in the Michael Jackson case" :

As the jury in the Michael Jackson sexual abuse case finished deliberating this afternoon a not- guilty verdict was reached acquitting him of all 10 charges filed against him by the state of California. Here is an audio clip taken from Mr. Jackson's comments on the situation - The question asked Mr. Jackson was "Will you sleep with a child again?" Mr Jackson replied " Oh, yes, I'm horny right now!" then the reporter said and Jackson replied "http://www.theradiotrip.com/resources/audio/mp3/sound_bites/Michael_Jackson/when_is_the_next_child.mp3 ."
Now back to your regularly scheduled blog:
and your host CHRISSSSSSSSSS LEEEEEEEEEE

QUIZ BITCHES

2005-06-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

I find it necessary to quiz you on pop culture and how well endowed I am ......
The game is on bitches!

Check out the Scoreboard! hizoes!

I love to bitch about shit

2005-06-09T13:04:00.000-05:00

I have comprised a shit load of top ten/ top 5 lists for your viewing pleasure:

For more, email me with a naked pic of yourself. :)

Top five things that piss me off about ANIME (japanimation) and why it sucks:

1. Everyone's eyes are fuckin huge unless they are fuckin crying...at that point an unreasonable amount of tears come out, their mouth is the size of a fuckin black hole, and they stomp around making fuckin baby sounds because they lost a fuckin go cart race.

2. The storyline sucks....instead of making it about a go cart race, lets HBO that shit up a bit and make it about Cartoon Pregnancy or Coprophilia.

3. They make fuckin sounds like they do in Asian pornography when they are surprised, upset or excited about something sort of like this "ah?",...."oh?" ,"eeeeahhh!".....,"eeeee?"

4. Their wardrobes are absolutely ridiculous....ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN RIDICULOUS!

5. Who the fuck's natural hair color is teal? Apparently it is abnormal to have such crazy hair colors as black, brown, blond, etc... Question...have you ever seen a jap with anything but black hair?

Top ten names for a black girl that sound like a home improvement project, dinner, or disorder :

10. Mahoghany
9. Au Jus
8. Necrophilia
7. Cacciatore
6. Parmigiana
5. Gazebo
4. Arachnophobia
3. Calamari
2. Escargots
1. Chandelier

Top 5 mean ways to break up with someone:

5. Look, it's not me...it's you
4. I have Aids
3. You have a small dick...I need to think about my future
2. You're fat!
1. Welcome to dumpville, population: you

Top 10 names of porno movies based off real movies (feel free to add to this list) :

10. Glad-he ate her (Gladiator)
9. Intercourse with the Vampire
8. Armageddon to that ass -or- Armageddon II - that ass
7. Queer and pleasant stranger (Clear and present danger)
6. The Cum of all Queers (The Sum of all Fears)
5. Tea Bagger Vance
4. Sorest Rump - hahaha
3. Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)
2. Men In Black Men
1. Add Momma to the train

10More porno names (that was funny):

1. Ass Pirates of the Carribean: The curse of the brown eye
2. Ate men Out :And loved it!
3. My big fat cheek spreading
4. Presumed impotent
5. Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's sister
6. Swallow Hal
7. Suck on you : Starring Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear
8. Big trouble in little Vagina
9. The wizard of ooze
10. Chitty Chitty Gang Bang

Hope you liked'em you have been waiting quite a while

Me blog you long time

2005-06-09T10:41:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen! He's back in town for one night only...The man behind the madness...The sultan of eat....The hardest working man in the refrigerator..... The dizzinator!

(THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CONCEALED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT AND GUILTY)

So, I had the lovely opportunity of going to a Polish wedding the other day.........With my sister! I have to say it definitely scored me some brownie points with the ladies though. I am under the impression that it is Polish tradition to take your sister to a wedding anyways. I came to the point under careful observation of the events that took place. So, here is a play by play of the night events...According to me.....GOD:

(The Arrival 6:50pm-6:59pm)-
The reason the arrival time is so long is because Laura had to find one of her 28.6 purses that matched with her outfit. We walk up to the front door and I meet the bride's father. He says " Empty out your pockets, no guns or knives aloud inside." So I shot him......j/k, I stabbed him. Then we enter into the lobby of the Valley Inn. It reminded me of some underground bomb shelter because I had to light my lighter to see what was going on in there and to my surprise I saw a really hot Red-Headed gal (See "getting loose"). Of course Laura forgets to bring the gift (A Solar Powered Flashlight) inside so she goes back out to get it (Lee tradition to forget at least one important thing). I would have gone and gotten the gift, but I didn't want to be linked to the stabbing out front (some of this blog is a dramatization).

(The Bar 7:00pm-drunk) -
Laura and I mosey up to the bar like a couple of winos and begin to pound hard liquor like prohibition is coming back @ 7:01pm. She orders a Gin and Tonic and before the barmaid put the olives in my martini....She was like "Another Gin and Tonic beerwench!" So we proceeded to pound away liquor. As we got a little more loose (see: "Getting Loose"), we began to calm down a bit and lose some of the edginess that the previous hour had brought to life (I didn't say shit Laura). Laura proceeds to tell me that Gin is her belligerent drink as I shrink back in fear. I think that I did that because I know the true definition of belligerent.

(ORDERVS? Horse Derves? Or der vas?: 8:30pm-end of the night) -
Laura and I discovered the heavy hors'd'oeuvres and it was mayhem from that point on as we stuffed as many totino's pizza rolls in our mouths as we could in a drunken fit. I ate my weight in crab balls and had an awkward conversation with the bride's best friend, until it was time for the Bride and Groom to walk around the room and make their rounds. Boom shakalaka! The bride was devoid of alchohol in her system so of course Laura being the pusher goes and gets her a beer and pours it in an inconspicous glass. The Bride then pounds the beer like it's water in the Sahara and laughs like .... "no problem bitches". The bride introduces us to her new husband and then to the hot redheaded woman. I didn't even say a word because she was being introduced to my sister. After several comments throughout the night about this young lady and that there was something really sexy about her, My sister, who I am sitting right next to, fails to introduce me at all. She could of at least said "Oh, this is my brother, the leper." But, there was nothing! [FOR THE RECORD I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON MY LOVELY GF AS I LOVE HER TO DEATH, BUT SHE APPRECIATES THE OPPOSITE SEX AS MUCH AS I DO, SO I FEEL I CAN BE HONEST]

(The unsatisfied drunkards- 9:30pm-end of night) -
After this girl and I hit it off as friends, another girl asks if we want to go to the bar. I tell her "no" because Laura didn't want to and she was my ride. She was all like "What if you can get a ride home?" " There is a beautiful redhead that will be waiting for you." I said "ok" haha just kidding, I said "I have a beautiful GF waiting for me at home that I need to go take care of." Then she said "never end a sentence with a preposition." hahahahahahaha

THat was my evevning with my sisiter at the wedding but let me say a little about a Polish wedding so you know what was going on behind the scenes.....

* The Groom was forced to wear a Dutch milkmaid's hat and dance around in a circle for an hour
* They both had to wear Macaroni necklaces symbolizing, you guessed it folks, FERTILITY.
* The Bride had to sing some wierd Polish song with all of her family and wear a wierd ass bell on her head

All in all it was a great time. Thanks for the invite Christie....oops....I mean Bride!

P.S. I got laid by my date that night too!

American Idol...that's what I look for, in the ?sweet? section of my local record store?

2005-06-03T10:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know that every man's desire on earth is to have a hot wife who loves to give head, a hot girlfriend who loves to give your wife head, a case of beer, a good meal, a good nights sleep, and most importantly, everyone to think they are NOT GAY!
The truth is, at this point in my life, I don't give a rat's nipple what people think. This is what brings me to my next point...My name is Chris Lee ("Hi Chris") and I may be gay (Please read on) Don't call your friends and be like "Guess what, Chris is Gay"
....just read the fuckin blog!

Since I turned 24 I have found my presets change from ruthless rock and roll to mix 106.5 and 107.3 and talk radio (love that shit). For this I am truly shamed because I used to be a hard ass. I had always wondered when the music that I listened to, would be found on WQSR (the local "GOODTIME" oldies station). "My Children in GAWWWWAAAD (GOD), This day has come!"

Disheartened by my rapid aging, I turn on mix 106.5 to hear this incredibly put together song on the radio. I found myself singing the song by the end! The DJ comes on the radio (as I sit in anticipation to find out the artist of the next song I will pirate from the internet) and they come on and say, that was another top ten hit by none other than..........DOM DOM DOM (in a dramatic fashion) KELLY CLARKSON the fuckin American Idol! It was sort of like an all black movie where a couple of white guys walk into an all black night club and the record scratches. That's how I felt.

I started to panic and was like "OH MY GOD, I think I like men." I find myself singing that tune when it's not on the radio and when it is on the radio I find myself Blasting the music and singing at the top of my lungs like a girl. People must think I am so strange too because I pick my nose when I drive. So you tell me what you think....has the Dizzinator gone gay or is this one of the phattest songs you've ever heard too? To post you must listen to the song. I am seriously a noted art fag.

Random Top Five Lists:

2005-06-02T16:55:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Crayola Colors that never made it :

5. Green Apple Splatters
4. Steaming pile of dogshit brown
3. clear
2. Colonel mustard (also available on 1977 Volvo 244 DL)
1. Urine

Top 5 Dr. Suess Books that never made it:

5. Easy- Head- Mayzie
4. Marvin K Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
3. Green Eggs and Sperm
2. Pop On Top
1. Horton Hires a Whore

Top 5 Bands that I hate that every other asshole likes because they are queer:

5. Talking Heads (I can't fuckin understand a word this guy says...He is like the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland)
4. The White Stripes (She's his sister, no his wi.......SHut the fuck up)
3. Rusted Root (Semyonmyway is not a word and neither is comeedesay-bibbullyump..........p.s. take a bath)
2. Offspring (nuff said)
1. R.E.M. (A.I.D.S)

Ten Things I hate about you (if you happened to be the National Spelling Bee)

2005-06-02T14:01:00.000-05:00

Today while I was waiting to go to work, I happened (always wanted to say that) upon the 78th Annual National Spelling Bee on television. Have you ever seen this steaming pile of dogshit? Well, let me fill you in as to what happens in the world of the annual spelling bee. Sponsored by Scripps a Newspaper/information publisher, this BEE has been going on since 19...whatever 78 years ago is. It has, out of 100 contestants 15 Asians, 3 Caucasians, 1 Jamaican, 1 Canadian, and 80 Indians named Samir naga-naga-naganna lose da spelling bee anyways. They spell words that you can't even fucking pronunciate let alone define. They are aloud to ask for: Language of Origin (Etymology for all you avid spellers out there), Definition, Use in a sentence, and ask a question regarding the definition. Now that you have your overview I have comprised a top ten reasons I hate the spelling beebecause I am an asshole list as follows:

TOP TEN REASONS I HATE THE SPELLING BEE BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE LIST

10. There are no good looking people in the spelling bee full of 12 year olds, and dammit, not even Dave or Father O'Keefe thinks so.

9. The kids are smarter than me and I am insecure...but I can kick all their asses.

8. Everyone breaths into the microphone like it is the last source of air in the universe.

7. The announcers say shit like "The drama is unbeleivable" or " We are going to see a champion crowned" or " Right now at the mic is Shahsi Kashi Teeki taki III"

6. When they get the fuckin answer wrong they give them a little tone that sounds encouraging until you see the excrutiating look on Baboo's face and know it is a bad sound. This leave you yelling at the tv and shaking your fist in anger!

5. No one has cancer, or major face deformaties for me to uncontrolably laugh at.

4. The words they use are all new wave bullshit like pepysian (of or relating to the diary of Samuel Peeps) half of us thought that word said "Pepsi in a can" Samuel Pepys (peeps) is a Pepys of shit.

3. I won the school Geography bee once and I am bitter I didn't get to move on to something bigger . Fuck Geography, Fuck Mr. Wiggins, and Fuck you!

2. They actually have a fucking comfort room for these kids to cry in when they cant spell the word Ornitorhynchous! That is fucking good tv but sick as shit. Go cry you fuckin baby!

1. There is always that one fat stupid retard who guessed their way through the States and County Championships that stalls and keeps repaeting the fucking word because they knmow they can't spellit. Then they ask for the definition, the language of origin and use all their time to spell a word that isn't even close to the correct spelling. Than they cry like a big baby and their parent look all concerned and fuck THAT! IT'S A FUCKIN SPELLING BEE ASSHOLE!

And thats all I have to say about that!

JOke of the day:

WHy can't Helen Keller Drive?
Because she is a woman.

I'm out like a Deaf kid in musical chairs

Ten Things I hate about you (if you happened to be the National Spelling Bee)

2005-06-02T14:00:00.000-05:00

PC should be a term for a computer not a behavior

2005-06-02T12:25:00.000-05:00

I hate all these wah wah liberal/conservative types who run around stepping on eggshells because they don't want to offend anyone. Why? Offending people is fun, it's how I got other people (that I wasn't offending ) to like me. Here is the official apology for everything that has ever happened that "MY ANCESTORS" and "YOUR ANCESTORS" are sorry for: The Whites (who participated in slavery) apologize to the blacks for enslaving them for 400 years due only to the white man's greed and laziness. Look, I know that sucked but it doesn't mean white people owe YOU money... that would be communist or socialist ( http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=Socialism ) you did no work for reparations and deserve nothing. For your ancestor's trouble, we give you O.J. Simpson's freedom. The blacks (who participated in the L.A. riots) apoligize to the storeowners and their families for looting and damaging their stores and livelyhoods to prove absolutely no point. Hey, real bang up job on Mr. Wong's Grocery I hope you, by mistake, stole a DAEWOO TV that has the vertical hold all retarded. For The store owners' trouble, you give him EMINEM. Kudos to you! The Whites are also sorry to the Indians, and the Hispanics for taking the US and Texas and California. But honestly Cochise, if you really are going to trade an island for beads you should move to Poland. Sorry Polish! Everyone else that was forgotten, sorry twice. Once for forgetting you and twice for the shit that somebody who is dead did to you. Here are the FACTS: http://www.criticalresistance.org/media/CR%202003%20Prison%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf
http://www.keithboykin.com/arch/001212.html
That's right people....FACTS! So people in this country are aloud to pre-judge other people because it is natural. However if someone's character overides their stereotype than they should be given the respect they deserve. The fact is that there are too many people out there looking for a handout or easy way out and they are sympathized with by the middle aged male in congress because they are scared of a cry of discrimination! These people represent you! Pc is bullshit, I say what I want and that is what makes me a true American. If you want to see an ethnic group who is truly impressive look at the Jews. Enslaved for thousands of years by Egyptians, they managed to not only survive in the desert for 40 years, they also rose up to be the richest and most powerful people in the country to date. I know this blog is a lost cause and won't change the world, but it needed to be said. Ancestors of American slaves, if you want to read how crazy this world really is and how good you have it read this: http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=34227 Just ask Aaron Spelling. If I have said anything that is untrue in your eyes I urge you to make a logical, educated, retort; If you think these theories are close to your own...which I know most people will feel the same and afraid of the repercussions of saying it....do not respond to this blog

What is Dizzination?

2005-06-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

People ask me all the time...."What is your Linebacker's name in Madden again?" I say "C -Murder"....They say "No, no that one, the other one." I say " Sickwiddit." Until finally I realize that they are talkin about my middle Linebacker [The Dizzinator].
Then they usually say "What the Fuck does that mean?"
If it's a girl asking me I show her, If it's a guy I stab him in the throat for ignorance. So, in order to dispel all myths, legends, and false anecdotes, I figured I would tell you all in BLOG form thanks to my sister L.Lee. Laura, be proud, you saved many a throat!

Dizzinate- Dizz (in) ate~ The act of cunnilingus where the clitoris is stimulated as God intended, as done by and only Chris Lee (The Dizzinator)

e.g. - Chris: Yo, I had to dizzinate her, my rent was 3 months past due! OR

- Hermione was late to divination class because she was in Dizzination class with
Professor Lee the head of Mis' behavinclaww house.

(Spoken in the same voice as the narrator of VH1 Behind the music...All rights reserved)

In order to understand the Dizzinator, you must first take a look inside the the copulation experts' mind. He was born in 1980 in Early August. Shortly after the eruption of Mount Saint Helens in Washington state, Mount Saint Carol erupted and produced what was to be the most controversial man @ 833 Mago Vista Rd and some placenta.

(Spoken like Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire).

Shall we start from the beginning? I was born, I grew up, or shall we start from where I was born into darkness as I like to call it? That seems to be most fitting seeing as that is how you are here now.

ALRIGHT, BOUNCING AROUND here is the true nature of the dizzinator ...read on..

One hot summer night in College Park (FARK), MD, I got a little intoxicated at a house party and decided it was a good idea to not only jump of the roof, but also hook up with a friend of mine (yes she was female). Her name was Liz by the way. Things got a little hot and heavy in the spare bedroom, and needless to say, we ended up naked on the bed together. Since I was blessed with the Whisky Dick that evening I decided that I would go down on her. Little did I know that all my friends were in the other room drinking around the table until 5 in the a.m.. I was doing a good job and it was very clear in her gyrations and moans. Suddenly out of nowhere she goes "AHHHHHHH OHHHHHH I'm cumming and you're making me DIZZY!". I thought to myself...."is that good or bad?"

Anyway, The next morning I exited the room I was in for the night and 12-15 of my guy friends were sitting in the other room. They were like..."Oh my god, that was you!?" "Yeah." I said........ Then they asked who I was with. Red-faced, I told them Liz (insert last name of one of your shameful hook-ups here) and they bust out laughing. Then my friend Dave says "Whoa, stallion you'd better help her out of bed she might be too dizzy to get up.
From that day forward I was known as the Dizzinator and she was known as Dizzy Lizzy.
I have never failed in the going down department since that day either!

Do y'all Niggaz bust yo guns?- Hell yeah we bust our Guns!
Do ya Lickem till they cum- Damn right I makem cum.

Last but not least this will be the joke of the day/week/year whenever I feel like posting.

What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ
I'm out like Cecil Fielder trying to steal second base (for all you girls out there Cecil Fielder is fat and slow and played first base for the Tiger of Detroit in the 90's)

Fuck Work

2005-06-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

I hate work....I mean I like work but I hate going to work. I just sit around and wait to go to some asshole's house that doesn't want me there anyway. Then I convince said asshole that he needs a new roof, windows, whatever. After that asshole signs on the dotted line to shut me up and I go home and watch a new DVD that I hate and the highlight of my evening is seeing my girlfriend and her kids until they start bitching (just kidding honey, not you) about something or whining.
I work in the afternoon, so when i have to go to work I am ready to go back to bed. I work with a Venezuelan boss and he is so motivated but arrogant. He says shit like " Peetch weef your hard." (Pitch with your heart.) He can't say the word "THOUSAND!" It is tough to type this, so I will spell it out phoenetically...- he says- Thou (as in: Thou art the lamb of God) and Zen (as in enlightenment) so it comes out "THOU -ZEN" He make you call him from the customers house and then he doesn't answer and he gets mad at you for himself not picking up the damn phone because he is freaking with his 21 y/o wife @ latin palace and his buddy Hector the DJ has the bass up too loud. When he does pick up the conversation goes like this:

Carlo: Hello? (Latin music loud in background)
ME: Hey Carlo, I was calling to let you know that Mr. and Mr. Jenkins will not be moving for...
Carlo: Hello?
Me: Carlo can you hear me?
Carlo: Yeah I can hear you fine what do you want
Me: I am calling you from the house
Carlo: Hello?

Get out of the club!
Turn your cell phone on!
Turn the music down!
or turn in your fuckin badge!

FOR THE RECORD I am racially profiling Hispanics and for that I am truly sorry (sneer)

My next post will be on Political correctness
AND HOW IT SUCKS, but only for white people

2005-06-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

Mellow Yellow

2005-06-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

At the Thunderdohwme hon...