Pardon me as I burst, and rise above the flames...
Yes, I will never be the same.
To all that have been hurt: Please give this a chance. It just might help you the way it helped me.
When someone takes a chance on love, there are only 3 possible outcomes: win, lose, or draw. The past couple of times that I have been lucky enough to experience love, I have lost that love in a bad experience. My love interest has had a wandering eye, swiftly followed by a wandering lust for something different. Although the experiences they have are no better (if not worse) than I am, a lover may still feel compelled to look elsewhere. I don't understand this process scientifically, however, I think this may be caused by human nature. When a situation like this occurs in our lives, we always ask ourselves the same questions: "What is out there that could possibly be perceived as more exciting, exhilarating, impressive, nurturing, or wonderful as me?" or " Why am I so terrible at love?" or "What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he/she love me anymore?" (which is quickly followed by tears of agony and self pity). If any of this rings true within your heart or sings to your soul and is easily identifiable, guess what... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Let me start by answering these questions for you:
What out there is more appealing than me?
Have you ever heard the term: The grass is greener on the other side of the hill? This relates to our situation directly. No matter how special you are, there will always be an animal magnetism to other adventures out there that are not you. You are not boring or loathsome, unkempt and undesired, or any of these things. You are beautiful! You are unique! Now, finally, you control your own destiny. Whether or not you want to recover is all up to you and time. Remember, falling down is the easy part. Getting back up is what requires true grace. To make a long story short, there is nothing more interesting and fascinating than you. People are just greedy.
Why am I so terrible at love?
I think this is one of the questions that everyone asks themselves. It is unfortunate that everyone has such a difficult time in finding the obvious answer. The answer is that you are not terrible at love, just inexperienced. I believe that the divorce rate is where it is because people get married to the first thing that comes along that is spiritually fulfilling to them. My colleague at work has been married nearly 30 years and he told me something that chilled me. He said "The moment you meet your spouse, you know they are the one right away." WOW! Imagine that feeling, that freedom, that excitement! I know I want to experience that someday. I did not experience that with any of the last 3 GF I have had. That's not abnormal I guess for a 25 year old man though. The feeling eventually came later, but I think it was the feeling of being comfortable with them.
Why doesn't ______ love me anymore? (what did I do wrong?)
This is the eternal tear jerker question and has welled tears in my eyes many a time. It's funny how we, as humans, have been trained to blame ourselves when something emotional goes wrong. I say this especially for the men who must act macho, and stereotypical to conform to acceptable social standards. You are not to blame unless you were abusive. Remember, the other side of the coin though: Someone you love unconditionally would never cause you to act abusive toward them, right? I understand that some people are just abusive by nature, but most of them have someone that drives them nuts! The fact is that most people are either poor manipulators or great manipulators. When the manipulation and dishonesty stops, so will the uneasiness. A very popular wedding verse from the "Good Book" states many ideas about love. Let's see who agrees with these ideas.
I am by no means a bible thumper, so don't get the wrong idea here. I wanted to share with you the skewed view on reality that many of us believe to be "Gospel." In Corinthians 1:13 it says :
If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.
And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
And if I dole out all my goods, and if I deliver my body that I may boast but have not love, nothing I am profited.
Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous, it is not selfish, it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil. It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things, it has faith for all things, it hopes in all things, it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins.
This is one of the most powerful things I have ever read. It states that we are nothing without love. We tend to think of love as romance as opposed to the love we give each other on this very blog site. The understanding that we have for each other and the peace it brings us is unparalleled! It brings me such joy to know that we can all really depend on each other in an extreme time of need.
As far a the Bible passage, I believe a lot of this, I really do, but what it doesn't tell you is that love can be a multitude of other things as well, such as:
greedy, selfish, spiteful, lusty, imperfect, and it is usually superseded by desire. Romantic love does fail sometimes. But true love I believe is forever; the kind of love where you want to see that person so much; the kissing, the staring deeply into each other's eyes , the 4 am sleep schedules, or even putting the well being of someone else ahead of yourself. This my friends is true love!
We relate love to romantic love so much, that we tend to push family and friends aside. Although we know in our hearts that their love is the kind that will keep us going, true love. True love is staring into your newborn child's eyes for the first time. It's being happy just because someone you love dearly is happy. It's putting : From Santa Claus on a package that is from you just to keep a little magic alive in a loved one's heart. It's the answer to all our problems, but we choose to ignore it more than we embrace it. It's perfect love.
SO TO ANSWER THE QUESTION:
You were always interesting and fascinating, but love fades away if it isn't perfect. Perfect love is the goal we all need to attain. We will all find it one day too, whether it be in this world or the next. You did nothing wrong.
AS FOR THE PARDON ME REFERENCE
Out of shear maturity and the grief that is caused in my heart by hurting others, I have decided to take down all of my bitter comments regarding my past loves. This will include my most recent. I must rise above the flames of animosity, anger, and spite to attain this perfect love.
Yes, I must admit that I am heartbroken right now and I need all the love and support of everyone here, so please give it if you can and you will receive it ten-fold when you go through it too. That's what it is all about.
BTW, everyone who read this page is a wonderful person in their own different way. Thank you for reading this and possibly posting. I love you all.
p.s. a funny one is coming soon
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME
To all that have been hurt: Please give this a chance. It just might help you the way it helped me.
When someone takes a chance on love, there are only 3 possible outcomes: win, lose, or draw. The past couple of times that I have been lucky enough to experience love, I have lost that love in a bad experience. My love interest has had a wandering eye, swiftly followed by a wandering lust for something different. Although the experiences they have are no better (if not worse) than I am, a lover may still feel compelled to look elsewhere. I don't understand this process scientifically, however, I think this may be caused by human nature. When a situation like this occurs in our lives, we always ask ourselves the same questions: "What is out there that could possibly be perceived as more exciting, exhilarating, impressive, nurturing, or wonderful as me?" or " Why am I so terrible at love?" or "What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he/she love me anymore?" (which is quickly followed by tears of agony and self pity). If any of this rings true within your heart or sings to your soul and is easily identifiable, guess what... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Let me start by answering these questions for you:
What out there is more appealing than me?
Have you ever heard the term: The grass is greener on the other side of the hill? This relates to our situation directly. No matter how special you are, there will always be an animal magnetism to other adventures out there that are not you. You are not boring or loathsome, unkempt and undesired, or any of these things. You are beautiful! You are unique! Now, finally, you control your own destiny. Whether or not you want to recover is all up to you and time. Remember, falling down is the easy part. Getting back up is what requires true grace. To make a long story short, there is nothing more interesting and fascinating than you. People are just greedy.
Why am I so terrible at love?
I think this is one of the questions that everyone asks themselves. It is unfortunate that everyone has such a difficult time in finding the obvious answer. The answer is that you are not terrible at love, just inexperienced. I believe that the divorce rate is where it is because people get married to the first thing that comes along that is spiritually fulfilling to them. My colleague at work has been married nearly 30 years and he told me something that chilled me. He said "The moment you meet your spouse, you know they are the one right away." WOW! Imagine that feeling, that freedom, that excitement! I know I want to experience that someday. I did not experience that with any of the last 3 GF I have had. That's not abnormal I guess for a 25 year old man though. The feeling eventually came later, but I think it was the feeling of being comfortable with them.
Why doesn't ______ love me anymore? (what did I do wrong?)
This is the eternal tear jerker question and has welled tears in my eyes many a time. It's funny how we, as humans, have been trained to blame ourselves when something emotional goes wrong. I say this especially for the men who must act macho, and stereotypical to conform to acceptable social standards. You are not to blame unless you were abusive. Remember, the other side of the coin though: Someone you love unconditionally would never cause you to act abusive toward them, right? I understand that some people are just abusive by nature, but most of them have someone that drives them nuts! The fact is that most people are either poor manipulators or great manipulators. When the manipulation and dishonesty stops, so will the uneasiness. A very popular wedding verse from the "Good Book" states many ideas about love. Let's see who agrees with these ideas.
I am by no means a bible thumper, so don't get the wrong idea here. I wanted to share with you the skewed view on reality that many of us believe to be "Gospel." In Corinthians 1:13 it says :
If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.
And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
And if I dole out all my goods, and if I deliver my body that I may boast but have not love, nothing I am profited.
Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous, it is not selfish, it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil. It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things, it has faith for all things, it hopes in all things, it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins.
This is one of the most powerful things I have ever read. It states that we are nothing without love. We tend to think of love as romance as opposed to the love we give each other on this very blog site. The understanding that we have for each other and the peace it brings us is unparalleled! It brings me such joy to know that we can all really depend on each other in an extreme time of need.
As far a the Bible passage, I believe a lot of this, I really do, but what it doesn't tell you is that love can be a multitude of other things as well, such as:
greedy, selfish, spiteful, lusty, imperfect, and it is usually superseded by desire. Romantic love does fail sometimes. But true love I believe is forever; the kind of love where you want to see that person so much; the kissing, the staring deeply into each other's eyes , the 4 am sleep schedules, or even putting the well being of someone else ahead of yourself. This my friends is true love!
We relate love to romantic love so much, that we tend to push family and friends aside. Although we know in our hearts that their love is the kind that will keep us going, true love. True love is staring into your newborn child's eyes for the first time. It's being happy just because someone you love dearly is happy. It's putting : From Santa Claus on a package that is from you just to keep a little magic alive in a loved one's heart. It's the answer to all our problems, but we choose to ignore it more than we embrace it. It's perfect love.
SO TO ANSWER THE QUESTION:
You were always interesting and fascinating, but love fades away if it isn't perfect. Perfect love is the goal we all need to attain. We will all find it one day too, whether it be in this world or the next. You did nothing wrong.
AS FOR THE PARDON ME REFERENCE
Out of shear maturity and the grief that is caused in my heart by hurting others, I have decided to take down all of my bitter comments regarding my past loves. This will include my most recent. I must rise above the flames of animosity, anger, and spite to attain this perfect love.
Yes, I must admit that I am heartbroken right now and I need all the love and support of everyone here, so please give it if you can and you will receive it ten-fold when you go through it too. That's what it is all about.
BTW, everyone who read this page is a wonderful person in their own different way. Thank you for reading this and possibly posting. I love you all.
p.s. a funny one is coming soon
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME
posted by the diz at 11:37 AM
4 Comments:
christopher! you are a GEM! that was a great posting. it's a sign of a real man who can say "fuck it" to society's expectation of what men should or should not convey or communicate and just do what you need to do.
being where i am in life, i'm learning some hard lessons about love. i think as you get older, and particularly if you have a marriage fail, you figure out that in addition to choosing the right person, you have to work at it every damn day. the good and benefit of the couple as a whole supercedes that of each individual.
how to pick that person, i've learned also takes a bit more head and maybe a little less heart. sure, you want to be in love, the passion, the silliness, the feeling they're the best match for you. but you also need to go over some serious topics to see if you're compatible, because in the end, all marriage is is a partnership, two people saying "hey, i love you, why dont we pair up and go through all the scary, challenging, joyous life shit together? what you say? be a team, it's us against the world." you wont always like each other. you'll annoy the hell of out each other. the things you find endearing will become like nails down a chalkboard. but it's all about perspective. i swear a lot of people lose this. i did.
i'll admit that sometimes, two people are just not good matches for each other. and i guess that's where each persons values and opinions on sticking it out come in to play. you've made the commitment but you think it will be a possibly unsatisfying daily struggle and you wont feel what you know is attainable. do you stay? do you go?
all i know is that you (general you) have a better sense of what you truly need to be happy after you get to know yourself better. not what you want, but what you really need. what are the most important feelings, goals, practices, traditions, expectations? what can you sacrifice and live without in order to get those? can you put another person and other people's needs before your own?
anyway, now i'm just kinda ranting, but it sounds like you're really getting there...really thinking about what you need, what will make you happy. and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. hang in there and follow your gut, even if some days it feels like your gut is just as confused as you are.
love ya!
Hey there.
First, I'm really shocked and impressed by your ability to let go of the bitterness that so often comes with break-up's, especially when your ex shows malicious intent toward your heart and feelings. I really think Will Smith said it best, "Cuz hate in your heart will consume you, too."
Secondly, it's so easy to internaliza problems. We all take things too personally. What did I do? What did I say? If only I did this or said that. Shh. Do you believe in fate and that God has a plan for us? I sure do. Absolutely. Another piece of great advice I received was so simple...something like, "For every one person who doesn't admire, like, love you, there will be three more who adore you in some way." Call it a bit over-confident, but I keep it inside. No one needs to know but you that all these people are RIGHT when they tell you, "You're a great person; it's just a matter of finding someone that brings out the best in you." Until then, keep your chin up b/c how can anyone fall in love with your smile if all you can do is frown?
Ok, too many cliches in too little space but these are things that pulled me through my lower self-esteem days. I still have self-conscious days but I know what I have to offer and that I'm unique. So are you. You're incredibly sociable and have been through a lot more struggles than most young men (that sounds so condescending). You're smart. You have STANDARDS with women. You know what you want now and I don't think you're ever going to settle again b/c you're too old and know better than to sell yourself short.
Perhaps random, but I want to thank you for a piece of wisdom you imparted while we were still together. I don't claim to be a whole hell of a lot LESS sensitive than I was back then, but I always remind myself of what you told me, "Who the hell are they? Where are THEY going to be in 10 years? It doesn't matter. There's 5 billion ppl on this Earth." You get the jist.
You know what you got. It's all about you now. Improving mind, body and soul. I truly believe one day you could write self-help books. You've been 'there' and now you're tackling the 'back' part. I'm proud to have dated such an original/unique/interesting guy like you for so long. You challenged my ideas and I learned a lot.
I'm happy for you you're moving forward for yourself and not sliding backwards for someone else not half as deserving. Hugs.
Chris,
It has been awhile since I have talked to, but reading this blog has made me realize why it is I enjoy your conversations. You are so thoughtful and kind! After a bad break up you took sadness and bitterness and made it into an amazing blog. I think if everyone that has ever loved and lost read that they would all feel so much better about themselves! Everything you wrote is 100% true and made so much sense. I am not so great at giving any kind of advice on relationships, but I can honestly say in this situation your ex is the one that lost. Just try to pick yourself up and realize what a wonderful person you are! Keep up your good spirits and if you ever just want to vent or talk feel free to call or e-mail me anytime. Good luck with everything and wonderful posting!!! Great talking to you!
- Jenn =)
Chris- that was absolutely eloquent, smart, heart-wrenching and just hit the nail right on the head. Everything you said is so true and people can relate and be able to say back to you that no, you aren't alone! We all have been there and have all been beat down, but picked ourselves back up, dusted off and moved on. You are so much stronger than you'll ever know and you know you have quite a few big sisters to lean on at this time. Take care of yourself and let us know if we can do anything. Love ya
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