Dude, where's my seratonin?

Have you ever wished that you were dead? Yeah me neither, but i have wished that I was a porn star... ok... ok, I am getting off topic here; I have not written a funny blog in quite a while, so i guess this is really my chance to shine again. All this sissy shit i have been writing is because I have been in a stage of manic depression lately. I don't necessarily feel down, I just have an overwhelming feeling of Dude, where's my seratonin? ie:

My Typical Night:

Chris goes home
Chris stops at the Walgreens
Chris get Chef Boyardee
Chris Eats Chef Boyardee
Chris is too lazy to change channel off C-Span because the remote is broken
Chris changes his political views
Chris is very knowledgable about Education Bill 10476-ACV in the U.S. House
All Work and No Play make Chris write dull blog.
Wake up
Work
Repeat

So I have decided to actually grace the world with a blog today instead of going through the doldrums of my weary annd virtually non-existant night life. I used to have sexy parties when Julia left me; until 4 in the morning (even on school nights), but my sexy party friends all got decent jobs and quit the retail. I drank a gallon of wine the other night by myself and laughed at Martin Lawrence (so you know I was pretty drunk at this Point). SIDENOTE: let me explain a Matin Lawrence stand-up routine for all the people that have never seen one. He makes fun of white doctors that helped him beat his drug and alchohol addiction and talks about being arrested nearly 1000 times and call weed things like "ooooohhh weeeee" or "Stanky Leafy" and that is his whole act. I was like (in a drunk voice) "EWWWWW WEEEEE? HAHAHAHA thash hilarioush."

I still beleive that my roomate Andrew sleeps with those headphones on that people wear to gun ranges. I have literally broken 7 plates and sang Chicago at the top of my lungs with four other people without waking up this man. I think he does downers. Obviously me and my friends do uppers or we would sing Chicago.

So anyways, I am a Ravioli Eating, C-Span Watching, Lazy-ass, manic depressive. Does it get any worse than that?... yes. What if the channel were stuck on the WB? So i need a sexy party to lift me up and i think I have just the thing. My work has an annual Christmas Party and I can't wait to go to it. The main reason i love going to work parties is because I am usually the LEAST debaucherous. Let me go through the list for you..... al funny Chris.... enjoy:

Mary C. - Totally awesome chick that watched all the same things as I did when i was a kid, so we quote Return to OZ, The Dark Crystal, and Labyrinth. She also is very prone to pull out a tit every now and again and I like that in a woman. The downside is that she drink to the point of becoming psychotic. She will punch people and cry hysterically for no reason. Go luck to guy that hooks up with her.

Nick J. - Nick is a very cool collected person when sober. For every beer you give this animal though he gets one decibel louder and one degree anger (do they still measure anger in degrees?) He is one of my favorite people to be around, but he likes to leave you when he is your ride. We call him Houdini, because the motherfucker just dissapears out of nowhere and leaves you to you own devices.

Mario Z. - Hilarious.... this guy has no faults. As a matter of fact I am gonna hook-up with him

Meghan L. - Totally fun party chick/receptionist at work. Totally "hangs out on the weekends" and is easy to get along with. When she is around my Spanish boss, Carlo, she clams up tighter than a nun's asshole. (See Work Sucks to discover Carlo)

Chris B. (See Fhris Fuscarini blog to explore this character)

Valentina - we all sneak looks at her ass while avoiding the eyesof Carlo (this is his hot Venezuelan wife)

Drew- My old Chief (class act) He gets shit for me. He's my bitch

Streets - A comedic and intellectual superior, and classic self loather........ Is that an oxymoron or what? Thinks he's punk.... psyche... he's punk, he just hates it when we say we think he is punk.

Mickey - has a butt chin

My date is Meghan's friend Stephanie. I am bringing her as a favor to Meghan. This girl has 3 fingers on one hand; we call her a Ninja Turtle.

Bret- Resident gay guy. He is a fun guy to be around. This year he is bringing a 7 foot tall Drag queen of Afro-American decent respectfully named Diamond. Bret is so gay that gay people can't stand to go out to eat with him for fear of not being invited back. Ruby Tuesdays will never forget that Bret hates onions. Never.

These are my colleagues. And these are the days of our lives. And this is a clock because no one uses an hourglass anymore unless they are playing pictionary.

I hope this party brings me ou tof my funk.

Life's funny ups and downs

It always amazes me when I look back one week ago at how much has changed from one little event. It reminds me of the speech that Al Pacino gives in the movie "Any Given Sunday." Life's little ups and downs are what makes us "Us." Here is the speech in case you are no familiar with it:

"I don't know what to say really. Three minutesto the biggest battle of our professional livesall comes down to today. Either we heal as a team or we are going to crumble. Inch by inch,play by play till we're finished. We are in hell right now, gentlemen, believe me, and we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of hell. One inch, at a time. Now I can't do it for you. I'm too old. I look around and I see these young faces and I think...I mean I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make. I uh....I pissed away all my money believe it or not. I chased off anyone who has ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know when you get old in life, things get taken from you. That's, that's part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out that life is just a game of inches. So is football. Because in either game of life or football, the margin for error is so small.

I mean one half step too late or to early you don't quite make it. One half second too slow or too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They are in ever break of the game every minute, every second. On this team, we fight for that inch On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us to pieces for that inch. We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch. Cause we know when we add up all those inches that's going to make the fucking difference between WINNING and LOSING;between LIVING and DYING!

I'll tell you this: in any fight, it is the guy who is willing to die who is going to win that inch. And I know if I am going to have any life anymore,it is because I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch;because that is what LIVING is. The six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You gotta look at the guy next to you. Look into his eyes. Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. You are going to see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you are gonna do the same thing for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either we heal now, as a team,or we will die as individuals. That's football guys. That's all it is. Now, whattaya gonna do?"

This is one of the most motivating speeches for a solid team that I have ever heard. i think it puts into perspective the way that life will change in front of your eyes by just changing your attitude. Your mind is an incredible and powerful machine. Some people's minds can change, control, manipulate, or even destroy the world. The only difference between greatness and infamy is the way you use it; the way you react to certain situations. My life changed a bit this week as i had my 11,907th epiphany of the year.... I am an asshole sometimes too.... People talk shit about me too..... what do you know?

Human beings carry scars with them for a lifetime... emotional or physical, it doesn't matter. The only way to prevent giving scars is by abstaining from picking up the whip. Face it, there will always be those people that you feel superior to out there. There are also people that you feel inferior to. Every soul on this earth has the power to cahnge the world: rich or poor, great or small. Every thing that you do has a consequence to something or someone else.

I have been guilty of saying things that are not in my nature to say; things that i am embarrassed of saying even. I can't take them back, but I can certainly say "I'm sorry" or learn from the mistakes I have made. Have you ever said something so cruel to someone that it hurt your feelings? I believe we all have.

Think about the things you say before you say them it could save someone's life, or change their world. I have trouble with this myself. I am working on it. I was just thinking today of the things I have said that were unnecessary. The scars I have caused others that I can't take back are the scars I will have until the day I die. Think before you speak.

Da Housewarming event

Okay... at the request of some of my canvassers and friends and family, I have decided to blog again after a long detox that I have gone through called.... MYSPACE? This stuff is worse than cocaine people.... it really gets you and leaves your orifices sore in the morning. I've realized that myspace is not such a bad thing if used in the right way. I will (while blogging) refer to myspace from now on as "it" because it pains me to be wrong. I have actually reconnected with several old high school friends through "it". So I would like to take a moment to apologize for all the horrible things I said about "it".... such as: myspace is sleeping with Jeremy.... it just wasn't true.

Who am I to judge what a whore is? I try to sleep with anything that i come into contact with. That makes me a whore I guess. So I will try to pass judgement upon people a little less than before.

A brief explanation of the past couple of months in my life include:

1) A housewarming party at Michelle and Bryan's beautiful new home (hilarity ensues)
2) Isaac's Halloween party (Hilarity ensues)
3) Grand Central (hilarity ensues)

I will give you a blog medley of all three of these. Hopefully i am descriptive enough to make you beleive you were actually there.

and........ begin

Michelle and her fiancee Bryan decide it is prudent to invite me to their recent housewarming party. There is only one slight problem... my tags are expired and they live in the same neighborhood that Deliverance was filmed in.

Imagine driving to Salisbury U and then driving what seems to be ther entire trip back... through the deepest, darkest forest you have ever seen. My newly acquired friend (through "it") Carrie, decided to drive with me. Since we have very little knowledge of each other... talking was sparce to say the least. I think we just decided to fish for something that seemed to be a hot button for us and kept repeating that same thing over and over until I decided to turn on the radio. The funny thing is that we are both extremely eccentric people with lots in common, but we barely knew each other and it was a bit awkward.

So anyways, back to Jumanji... As we drove down roads appropriately called "Campground Dr" I half expected Jason Voorhies (no not the brother of Lisa Turtle from Saved by the Bell) to pop out from behind a tree and decapitate my companion. We finally pulled up to the house and we get out to go and see this gargantuan house in front of us. It was really.... really.. nice (for me to poop on) j/k. I hop inside and say hi to a couple of people that I knew and make a B-line (see Dane Cook) to the garage where I know there to be booze. My friend mookie is out there with his GF Katie and this calms my anxiety quite a bit. Mookie is an extremely italian young man with one eyebrow. SEXAYYYYYY!

On to the funny part... well actually it's sort of ironic:

Michelle had suggested (not told me) that I need to leave some of our more boisterous friends at home because of the havoc that they normally cause while under the influence. I am not going to name names, but we will call them Don Swartz and Dustin Crovo.

The ironic part about all of this is how drunk member of Michelle's family got during this party. Let's start with the least drunk to get the ball rolling... her mother. Michelle's mother is pretty talented at holding her liquor... so her and I ended up having a conversation about plates from Big Lots...where mom buys her sardines hahaha. Then we will move on to Michelle's brother... we will call him Jave. Jave was so drunk that the first thing he did when he saw me is come up to me an rub my belly. I was a little taken aback... but only when i realized that he would not go further south. The drunkest was by far, Carrie (not my friend), Michelle's aunt. I will not protect her name because she was really drunk. ;)

Here is a timeline of the evening... just to give you a basic idea of alcohol consumption:

9:00pm - B line to garage
9:30pm - Beer number 3 already (blue Moon on tap... GO BRYAN!)
9:45pm - Jave decides to rub down my stomach
10:00pm - I decided that i am buzzing and my wheat thin intake is low.. I load up on WT's
10:10pm - Jave begins talking louder with his grandmother about smoking pot
10:11pm - Michelle's mom encourages Jave
10:12pm - everyone at the party knows how much jave like Marijuana
10:13pm - I know this is going to be a good night.
10:35pm - I smoke a cigarette with Carrie and Carrie. Aunt Carrie tells me of her distaste for the Arab Community
10:38pm - Carrie has an altercation with and Egyptian party guest
10:39 - Carrie lets everyone know that "they" shouldn't be aloud in the country
11:00pm - I am drunk and I think this is funny ( I am no longer responsible for damage control as I am the ex)
11:01pm - Bryan begins working damage control
11:02pm - Jave (Michelle's brother) tries to start a fight because someone had brass knuckles at the party (apparently this is a major sign of disrespect)
11:03- Bryan tells Dave that the guy with the brass knuckles is his bodyguard (it works)
11:35 - I am hammered (I think I peed on the seat)
11:55 pm - Carrie spills Bryan's Mom's French martini....
11:55 pm - Carrie blames it on Bryan's mom.
12:30 am - Jave has me cornered for the next 45 minutes telling me about the 911 conspiracy theory and underground tunnels in D.C.
1:15 am - I am so drunk that I spill Chambord on Michelles new carpet
1:20am - As Michelle is cleaning it... I blame it on her....classy
1:25 am - Carrie makes us leave and says she is driving home
1:26 - I leave without saying goodbye as this is physically impossible with how drunk i am.
4:00am - i stumble up my stairs and go to bed
THE NEXT DAY - I wonder why my seat is push so far up in my car.??????????

More to come soon on the other events... myspace is pretty cool. Thanks for listening to me.

SEACREST OUT

....................

ALL OF MY CANVASSERS ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!

Revised Football Picks

Who are your picks? Here are my real and Revised picks for the NFL this year.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings 10-6
Chicago Bears 7-9
Green Bay 6-10
Detroit 2-14

NFC South

Tampa Bay 11-5
Carolina 10-6
Atlanta 8-8
New Orleans 6-10


NFC East

Washington 11-5
Dallas 10-6
NYG 9-7
Philadelphia 6-10

NFC West

Seattle 10-6
Arizona 8-8
St Louis 8-8
San Fran 3-13

AFC North

Cincinatti 11-5
Pittsburgh 9-7
Baltimore 7-9
Cleveland 3-13

AFC South

Indiannapolis 12-4
Jacksonville 10-6
Tenessee 6-10
Houston 4-12

AFC East

Miami 10-6
New England 9-7
NYJ 7-9
Buffalo 4-12

AFC West

Denver 11-5
San Diego 10-6
KC 9-7
Oakland 7-9


Playoffs: NFC: Dallas, Carolina, Washinton, Seattle, Minnesota, Tampa
AFC: San Diego, Jacksonville, Denver, Miami, Cincinatti, Indy


AFC Champ: Denver
NFC Champ: Washington

Defensive player of the Year: Sean Taylor/ Troy Polamalu
Offensive Player of the Year: Peyton Manning
MVP: Ladanian Thomlinson

Realistic

Football is back ladies and gentlemen.. and i don't mean the kind where homos dance around on a field and can't use their hands. (God I hope i don't get a yellow card for that statement)

I have decided to break down the world of NFL competition as I see fit:

P.S. - if you think I am wrong, YOU ARE!

This is how it will break down this season of 2006-2007 football.

AFC NORTH

1. Cinicinatti Bengals
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Cleveland Browns

The Bengals are on the rise after their first playoff appearance in 9 years and defensive mastermind, Marvin Lewis at the helm. They will handle the North with ease as the Steelers just don't have the weapons that they had last year. They lost Jerome Bettis and Antwaan Randle-El to retirement and free-agency in the off season. Super Bowl dreams for the Steelers have gone belly up after the gift they received from the officials this past January. The Ravens and Browns can keep dreaming. They just suck asshole.

AFC East

1. Miami Dolphins
2. New England Patriots
3. New York Jets
4. Buffalo Bills

The AFC East was a tough call and obviously a very unpopular decision this year with my choice of the Dolphins taking the East crown over the Pats. The fact is that the Pats have been dwindling away the past couple of years and and now that the Fins have a decent QB in Culpepper this year. The Jets are getting better, but they still would lose against a college team. The Bills are competing with the texans for worst team in football. Dolphins will win the division but get pummeled in the first round of the playoffs against a wild-card team.


AFC South

1. Indiannapolis Colts
2. Jacksonville Jaguars
3. Tennesee Titans
4. Houston Texans

The Colts are a lock in this division and the Jags might have a shot at a playoff spot. Everyone else should just kill themselves.


AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Kansas City Chiefs
4. Oakland Raiders

This division is probably the second best division in football after the resurgence of the NFC East this past year. The Chargers are due with the talent that they have and i feel that they are going to have a QB in Phillip Rivers like the Steelers had in Roethelisberger. This kid is good and I saw him when he was with NC State kickin ass and making good decisions. The Broncs played well last year, but they had a pretty easy schedule outside of their division and ended up winning games by luck as opposed to skill. They will grab one of the wild-card spots and kick Miami's ass in the playoffs. The Chiefs will be single handedly ruined by Herm Edwards, but LJ should have a solid year in the backfield. The Raiders are a victim of poor ownership and management and Art Shell couldn't save them before and won't save them now. LAST PLACE losers!

NFC North

1. Minnesota Vikings
2. Chicago Bears
3. Green Bay Packers
4. Detroit Lions

Wait a second, did I say the AFC was the worst division in football? I stand corrected. This one is. The Bears have a killer D and that should get them to .500 this season. Rex Grossman will kill the Bears with mistakes. PUT KYLE ORTON BACK IN!!!!!!!!! The only reason I have the Vikings beating the Bears in this division is becasue BRad Johnson finds a way to win games. That all. If Brad doesn't play well Chicago has this division hands down. If he does play well, then the Vikings will win by a game. The packers and Lions will continue to shit the bed until they realize they need to lose Millen and Favre.

NFC South

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. New Orleans Saints

This is really all BUCS! Hopefully Chris Sims doesn't play as well as he did last year, but if he does, they will kill this division. Jimmy Williams isn't going to do shit for Atlanta , and they need to get Vick on a Soccer field. Crumpler and his sub-par performance last year got him in the pro-bowl while snubbing a much better choice due to popularity issues (Cooley). The Saints are terrible with or without Reggie Bush (a gift from the Texans) and the Panthers better hope Steve Smith plays the same as last year, becasue cry-baby Keyshawn has butterfingers.

NFC West

1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Arizona Cardinals
3. St Louis Rams
4. SF 49ers

The Seahawks will have little trouble with this division. The Rams Suck and you get kicked out of the league if you lose to the Niners. The Cardinals will be better, but not good enough. Edgerrin James should be enough of a threat to open up the passing game for.....ummmm.....ummm... Kurt Warner? Nevermind. Their best bet is to throw the ball up in the air and hope either Boldin or Fitzgerald comes down with it.

NFC East

1.Washington Redskins
2.Washington Redskins
3.Washington Redskins
4. Dallas Cowboys

The best division in football and the home of the illustrious and invincible Washington Redskins is what I have saved for last. This division will be an absolute dogfight, except for the Eagles which will wallow in their own shit after 2 years of self destruction. Welcome to the cellar you dirtballs. The Giants should be mostly hyp this season after improving their middle of the field D, but not their secondary where they needed the most help. Giants fans will be dissapointed when they reach 8-8 and just miss the playoffs. The Cowboys and Redskins will fight it out to the end of this one and will meet in the Championship game at Fed-Ex field where T.O. will be shut out for catches of over 5 yards and he will cry like a little girl with a skinned knee and shit. See you in the Super Bowl mother Fuckas!
NFC

You have reached the sprint voice mail box of......

So much mutha fuckin catching up to do! I don't even know where to begin.

Heather you seem to be moving to N.C. with Tom Dowd. It's quite a transition from NYC to Green Acres. i wish you the best of luck. I guess I will meet this guy at Laura's party thing on Saturday and I am sure to take him away from you because you all think I'm gay anyway.

Linz, you have a fine piece of man-meat! You also have a boyfriend! You both seem genuinely happy in that photograph ... that makes me happy.....and when I'm happy, my knees buckle and my penis squirts pee-pee!

Laura - Hi

Dave - There is a patent pending on my top-ten list idea and I am still in legal proceedings with David Letterman for stealing my shit. I hope you're a good lawyer. Not because I am going to sue you, but because I am in a lot of trouble.... we'll talk soon.

Nikki - good to see your blog is up and running like usual

God - are you there? It's me Margaret and I am heavy flow.

So now that i think I have done my fair share of catching up on my terms, I will begin with telling you all the magical story of where my life has gone in the past month. So sit back, relax, grab a fruit roll-up (You know, the ones that put the tattoos on your tongue, but not the blueberry kind cuz they make your mouth blue.... oh shit speaking of blue I saw the blue angels this May for the Naval Academy graduation and it was phenomenal!... oh shit speaking of graduation, Erin is due to graduate from Maryland in the fall... ahhhhh... college..... remember college... oh shit... well anyways...)

I have been working non-stop on my new invention! It is called THE CHAIR. It takes away world hunger and pestilence! It's absolutely amazing! All you need is a La-z-boy and a whole buncha computer shit. It's almost as good as Ali G's invention of the hoverboard. p.s. - I lied and just made that whole thing up.

I really just bought a new truck this weekend from Antwerpen Kia Automax. I bought an Infiniti QX4 and I absolutely love it to death. I was a little disheartened to hear that Jack says yes to every deal unless you are a total piece of shit with a collective tri-bureau credit score pull that is in between homeless and possibly a trash man. Fortunately the finance manager thought I was hot and decided it would be in her best interest to give the bank some sucky sucky and get me approved at the rate I was looking for. (some of this story may be dramatization)

I have driven my car non-stop since Saturday and i will be bringing it to laura's party on this Saturday to show all of you!!!!! But, that is not the exciting news that I bring you... I come bearing gifts.... that news was only the Myrrh of the three gifts I offer you:

The Frankenscense I bring thee is the fact that my boss is paying for this car for the most part. It is only costing me 60 bucks a month after my new car allowance.

Now the gold... so hold on to your seats. I am talking to a really cool girl and I really like her a lot. She isn't like a lot of other girls out there that are run-of-the-mill. She is intelligent, and pretty and she understands the word "facetious." She appreciates my humor and doesn't think I am crazy..... wow, thats a first. This Sunday I will be taking her somewhere nice hopefully, but I am strapped for ideas for a first date. I was wondering if some of you had any ideas as to where we should go. I don't wanna go too fancy, but i wan't it to be a casual and relaxed atmosphere. I was thinking the Jetty or something like that. I like the Jetty. I like the Tin Man. I like the Wizard of Oz. You tell me what you think is right!

I figured i would leave you with a bit-o-humor like a list (patent pending)

Top five funniest words that when combined take on a whole new meaning (pormanteau)

5. Jabberwocky - how could anyone be scared of something called a fuckin Jabberwocky? especially if the borogroves were mimsy, and the mome raths outgrabe? ( don't know what two made up ass words this word is made up of)

4. Motel - A nice way of saying shitty hotel -or- place to fuck my girlfriend if i still live with my parents .(motor hotel)

3. Relationshoe - What we often get stepped upon by (relationship and shoe)

2. Bootylicious - Since when was anything that was around or came out of an ass delicious? Oh wait I know something near an ass. (booty (buttocks) and delicious)

1. Shuke - When you are really sick and you shit and puke at the same time! HAHAHAHA!

Chew on that! (shit and puke)

America, Fuck yeah!

Coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss It was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his chest now He takes off her dress now Let me go And I just can't look It's killing me And taking control Jealousy Turning saints into the sea Swirling through sick lullaby choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes I'm Mr. Brightside

Doesn't that just sum up everything? I think we are all just jealous people. The human being was not made for monogamy. It's a territorial pissings kind of thing. It's why male Cheetahs kill cheetah cubs. We just introduced new unanimalistic things into our society to make it "different" from the animal kingdom. Drugs, alcohol, etc... What we tend to forget, is that we are all animals. We have just been institutionalized. My friends, this is the island of Dr. Moreau!

Wow, that was deep..... but that's not what I came here to say!

My world is about to change for the better dramatically! I was notified today that I had received another promotion and I am being moved back to the belly of the beast, my beloved Maryland. I just received my first managerial promotion two months ago. My boss was so impressed that he just promoted me. He told me that he trusts me and that i impressed him. The commute to Delaware was just a test. He talked about a gas card and a company Mercedes Benz! Oh, yeah and a $10,000 a year raise! I am feelin pretty good right now about me. Skins make the playoffs, 2 promotions, new car, credit score back up, and single? You gotta be kiddin me!

P.S.
I met someone as well ;) She is Punta Cana right now spending the plethera of money that she has! I am pretty excited about that too! No more loneliness for this guy. I knew focusing on my career would be a good idea!

BABY LOOK AT ME GO
FROM ZERO TO HERO !
YOU BETTER TAKE IT FROM A GEEK LIKE ME
WELL I CAN SAVE YOU FROM
UNORIGINAL DUMB DUMBS
WHO WOULDN'T CARE IF YOU CUMMMMMM
GET THEM OR NOT!


I'M OUT THIS BITCH

Wow, what the hell happened to us?

This is dedicated to my two sisters who I would like to see more:

I was looking at a little kid the other day. She was playing mini-golf with me actually. I saw her hitting the ball with reckless abandon and just sort of hack at it with no intention of it going in the hole. She just wanted to hit the ball with "the stick". Moments later she decided to leave her club on the ground, walk away from the green, and over to a patch of dandelions. She picked the kind up with the little white fuzz and proceeded to close her eyes as tight as she could. She blew all the of the them away with two big breaths and twirled around in a circle looking at the sun. I asked her if she made a wish and she smiled and said "yes Mr. Chris I did". I said "Oh yeah? What for?" she said back to me "I'm not telling you that silly. I just hope the wind didn't wish for something first."

At that moment, I took a look behind the scenes of my life... all our lives. I looked at the way I used to chase ducks around the yard. The times we would go to the Naval Academy to feed the squirrels and see "Jimbo Jones." (John Paul Jones) Going to Oxon Hill Farm or the nature center, Marching in the opening day parade for Mago Vista Baseball. Family portraits at Olan Mills, trips to Busch Gardens, watching t.v. together, weight watchers treats, the Assateague disaster vacation.

The quotes are also great:

-"Who ate the last snack cake?!!!" - dad
-"I think it's a nice time, i thinks it's a nice join." - Erin
- "Move over bacon, here comes sizzilean." - Laura
- "Jumpin Jehosepha! The pee pee man got me." - me
- " Let's get Monkey Business.... this one looks good." - mom

These things remind me of what having a real family was like, and why I held on to the little family I had. Now I have quotes that I can remember them by too. "Abracadabra."
Anyways, enough of that!

I realized how much things have changed in our lives and so many others. I wonder what makes us bored of these things that were so wonderful when we were children. Why can't we have our dandelion wishes back? Why can't we run through the sprinkler anymore? Why can't we just be carefree? We grew up so damn fast. Shit, I'm still growing up!

I remember when I got my first job. I was so excited to work! Laura and I actually worked together there Crab Station). Now sometimes I, and all of you, dread getting up and going to work at all.


I think that we can get these times back by enjoying this summer the way that we were intended to. Let's have fun! Let's have a party at my house this weekend! I can't wait for the rest of my life to begin!

P.S. - Don't ask me why I was playing golf with little children

Hey kettle, did you know you were black?

So this month has been a very eventful one with many wonderful financial endeavors on the horizon. My friend Shawn and I decided to go out to dinner at G&M restaurant in Linthicum the other night after deliberating on which restaurant would have the most trashy girls in it. Eventually we realized that G&M was the only restaurant that was open when we decided to make our decision.

We ate our dinner and hit on the trashy hostess a bit. When we were done that, we felt that the night was not over quite yet. We decided to go Ho-hunting. This is a primitive male ritual where young men get together and go to the most trashy part of their state and proceed to talk to hookers and hit them with newspapers if they get smart with us.

EXAMPLE:

US: Hey, how's it goin?
Hood rat: Just takin a walk
US: show us your boobs
Worthless hooker: money talks assholes
US: did you read the paper today
Street Urchin: no (can't read)

-*SMACK!*-

US: NOW YOU HAVE!

I know, I know that is really insensitive, however please remember it is still funny.

So, after dinner Shawn and I are in the belly of the beast (Brooklyn- not NY), and we are driving down the road and we see this attractive girl walking with a Sunny D and some Spree candies. She is obviously a whore, but she is the prettiest whore we have ever seen (besides Julia Roberts).

She has no top teeth and is obviously trying to hide this from us as she lip-smiles her way over to our car. I then wondered how it was possible to eat Spree candies without teeth. "Hey Fellath howth it goin?" "I'm justh takin a sthroll."

Shawn asks her if she wants a ride and she was like "Thure!"

She gets in. I proceed to tell her that we are making a documentary about the lifestyle. She says "Thith ithent going to be on HBO ith it?" HAHAHAHAHAHA can you imagine the voice in the background from Hookers at the Point.
She then proceeds to tell us everything about her life like:

I hate the world
I am hooked on heroine
I have a BF
etc......

The plethera of information that she is giving us is so interesting that Shawn and I actually decide to make a documentary about the lifestyle. It's called the Fairhaven Diaries

I have not had the opportunity to meet anyone quite as interesting as the toothless Brooklyn Hooker which we will from now on refer to as the TBH. Even though her name was Heather, I just want to call her Shirl. ;)